More Dear J.K. Rowling

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

I think that it is probably a pretty good idea if your next book has a part where the gang meets some kids from an American wizarding school. Maybe you already wrote that into your completed book, and I heard about it, and agreed that it was a good idea; I am not sure. But if you have not, I encourage you to substantially rewrite the book since it will be much better with Americans.

Are you friends with any Americans? We can be friends, if you would like. I bet we will learn a lot from each other. Americans come from all sorts of different ethnic backgrounds; I bet you would have a lot of fun coming up with all sorts of crazy names for all of the non-white characters. That seems to be something you're pretty into.

I'm afraid that I don't have a lot of other good pieces of advice or unveiled slanders for you; so I guess in other regards you should just stay the course. Although, if you don't know already, there have been a series of routinely mediocre films based on your Harry Potter novels; you might reasonably be unhappy with the fact.

Also, my internet connection has been vory slow lately - stuttery, I guess - and I can't imagine why. It's a fairly new computer, and I don't think that my co-workers are having any problems. Is it Firefox? How does Microsoft make money off of Internet Explorer?

Best,
Jack

PS: You may name one of the wizards after me.

posted by Jack # 9:42 AM

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Am I to understand that the Fat Friar completed a course of study at Hogwarts (in Hufflepuff, natch) and then became an ordained servant of a Christian church? I mean, even for the Anglicans, that's rather... open-minded.

With fondness,
Jack

posted by Jack, 9/06/2005 02:52:00 PM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Isn't Charms way more important than the other classes?

Best,
Jack

posted by Jack, 9/07/2005 12:55:00 PM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Why don't the professors make them use anti-cheating quills all the time?

Come on.

Fondest wishes,
Jack

posted by Jack, 9/08/2005 10:15:00 AM

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

WHY DIDN'T SNAPE KNOW ABOUT THE TIME TURNER?!?

With affection,
Jack

posted by Jack, 9/14/2005 06:17:00 PM

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Dear J K Rowling,

Practical limitations forbid my listing every larger, series-wide plot point given short shrift by Mr. Newell in his recent film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Who made Mona Lisa Smilewhich is the sort of film that even the least self-respecting woman with a taste for genres beginning with the prefix "chick-" must admit is a very bad movie. I'm sorry, I had a point. Yes! Plot points, etc. Say, Jo, Mr. Newell's film does not make us think at excessive length about Sirius Black at all, does it?

I'd like to apologize to my conversational partners (buddies, my Auntie Nancy) for trying to articulate the glosses I disliked with such relatively clunky examples as the Wizengamot's (sp?) growing angst.

Still, that study hall scene cracked my shizz up.

With fondness,
Jack

posted by Jack, 12/01/2005 06:50:00 PM

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

How did Ron get good grades? He's so stupid.

?!?

posted by Jack, 2:56 PM

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

I am afraid that I do not have too much to report from America. It may be that the heat of Summer has slowed me down, I have used this excuse before and like the sound of it.

I did have the opportunity at work during a lapse in higher brain functioning to play a bit ofHarry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the Game Boy Color - did you know that someone at some point found it appropriate to design the floor of Gringott's in that game with large and consipicuous stars of David?

I just watched Days of Heaven, I believe that John Williams may have cribbed some notes for your Harry Potter films from Ennio Morricone's soundtrack to the escape scene at the end. (Or possibly Leo Kottke's, he evidently wrote some of the music, although I suspect the piece I am referring to was Morricone's. Regardless, I found the score to be a bit much. The film in general was a lot more artificial than I had been expecting. I guess the lesson is that life is full of surprises or something, whatever, Netflix was right that this was a "beautifully shot period piece.")

Yank and Sue got married, although you maybe already knew that. I went to Sleater-Kinney's last New York show, got my refrigerator replaced... We moved to new offices on Friday, where I'm to have my very own desk, at least for the time being, I guess. I put a little coffee table in my bedroom, we'll see how long that lasts. I'm worried I'm going to kill or cripple myself on it one morning.

Does our touching and lively correspondence remind you of Dear Mr. Henshaw? I see from some earlier notes of mine that Wikipedia suggests to educators using the book in classes that "[s]ome of the projects that can be researched are monarch butterflies, life of a truck driver, and catering businesses." I learn a lot of things from Wikipedia. Consider:

"In 1957, [Harlan] Ellison decided to write about youth gangs. To research the issue, he joined a street gang in the Red Hook, Brooklyn area, under the name 'Cheech Beldone.'" - (I have modified, J. K., the quotation mark succeeding Beldone to bring it more in line with my views on appropriate punctuation.)

Also, "Another fact about Rip Taylor is that he did not learn how to drive a car until he was 44.

"Prior to becoming famous, Taylor was a page in the Senate. He was also conscripted into the Army and served in the Korean War."

I also learned this, although it seems that you are almost certainly already aware of the fact: "In 2002, an unauthorized Chinese-language "sequel" entitled Harry Potter And Leopard Walk Up To Dragon appeared for sale in the People's Republic of China. This poorly written book (the work of a Chinese ghost writer) contains characters from the works of other authors, including Gandalf from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and the title character from L. Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz. Rowling's lawyers successfully took legal action against the publishers who were forced to pay damages."

I won't speak to the necessity of qualifying the book as having been "poorly" written, although I believe that you may have misstepped in addressing this issue. It seems to me that the happiest and wisest solution would have been to bring the author under your employ, although I am sure that your lawyers may have been operating without your direct supervision, so please do not take this as chiding.

Anyways, I've learned a lot of things lately, probably about 75% of them from Wikipedia, but I should go play now.

With affection,
Jack

posted by Jack, 11:35 PM

Dear J.K. Rowling

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dear J.K. Rowling,

In preparation for the upcoming release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, a book by you, I am rereading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I was struck this time by Ron's fondness for the comic book The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle. I believe that many of your readers, like Ron, would enjoy reading Mr. Miggs's stories. If I understand things correctly, you are currently beginning the composition of Deathly Hallows. May I humbly suggest that it consist to the greatest possible degree of said adventures?

With affection,
Jack

PS: If you would like Martin Miggs to have an American best friend, then I have even more great ideas for you.

PPS: Maybe in one adventure, Martin Miggs has to prepare a fancy dinner, but his crazy Muggle kitchen appliances keep making a big mess?

From Jack Gallagher's Tealog:

Cozy Chamomile by Bigelow Tea

This is a tea that is not afraid to admit that it’s getting to be bed time. It is also a tea that is not afraid to be kind of crappy.

Crossed Swords Over Crosswords

From The American Workplace # of the Lampoon (per request of JFH):

The True Story of The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyala, a Musical Christmas Play for Children (Monday, December 01, 2003)

When I was a youth in St. Peter's School, we had a number of memorable Christmas pageants. For example, when I was in seventh grade, we performed a charming musical entitled The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyola which was based on the book of a similar name and implied authorship.

For this pageant in the winter of 1991, we were fortunate to have the composer on hand to direct and choreograph. His partner who had written the libretto was hospitalized with a case of motorcycle accident at the time, which sometimes caused our director stress. They were both in their mid twenties, and had written the play shortly before. It's hard to say whether the play was intended for children initially, but I'd say it came off well. Some minor alterations were made to the text; for example, in the song "Oh, What A Night," which is the story of the birth of Jesus, as related by a young boy who worked at the inn in Bethlehem where said Jesus was born. Specifically, a verse detailing his thoughts on witnessing the Virgin Mary's water breaking as she entered labor was excised.

To be frank, there were a lot of fairly "blood and thunder" tunes and themes throughout the play - after all, we were Catholics, and Catholicism is not a "fucking-around" kind of religion. I don't wish to offend any Protestant readers, but your religions are kind of half-assed and you guys nancy around when you could be really hardcore and screwed-up. Anyway, like I said, we were Catholics, so the play was completely terrifying.

One song that stands out as an example of "raw terror" on the wacky Catholic model is the great "Souls In Hell." To quote its lyrics briefly, "Down a fearsome, flaming chasm / Walls of roasting ectoplasm / Pain and torment racked me as a / Mighty blast impelled each spasm. ... A group of spirits in their misery / Wishing they could change their history / Taunting those who would soon join them / Reeling others in their mystery. ... [refrain] Souls in hell, I hear them crying / Out to me, in my bed lying / Please dear God, don't leave me frying / At the hour of my dying." Although this may not immediately seem like the most festive of holiday songs, we still had a lot of fun bellowing out the chorus, and it was generally a very fast, upbeat number. (Note that I use "upbeat" in a strictly musical sense.) The song does give you a good idea of the kind of thoughts that spun through Saint Ignatius' head, and the part about not being able to sleep because of the constant wailing of damned souls will be familiar to any Catholic.

I explained that this play was performed by children aged 5 to 13, right?

Anyway, the plot of the play, as I recall it, ran about thusly: a young woman, troubled in her life, goes to a retreat, where the spiritual exercises mentioned in the title and developed by Loyola are practiced. It opens with a tune including the groovy lyrics "Prayerful participation / Builds a strong spiritual nation / Meditation, medication / Physic for our restoration" and many others in a similar vein. The choreography accompanying this involved a lot of vigorous calisthenics, to provide a physical symbol of the kind of work that goes into exercising the soul. The song also explains the importance of bending yourself to God's will as soon as possible.

So, anyway, the girl arrives, and is given an overview of the camp. Then, to her surprise, she finds that her boyfriend has followed her to the retreat. She's sort of like, "Wow, man. I kind of wanted to get away from you for a little while, but this is also very sweet of you. But a question that we must resolve by the end of this narrative is whether you can come to understand my commitment to my God." And he's all like, "Whoa, these spiritual exercises are intriguing but really, really weird."

Then there are a few musical numbers explaining some of the themes explored by Loyola in his book, including the aforementioned "Souls In Hell" and "Oh What A Night." We also hear from some of the counselors about what brought them to serve in God's laic ministry at the camp. One of their songs opens "My eyes see the reds sing the blues all the time ... [a bunch of stuff I can't remember because I was not a huge pothead when I was eleven years old and the song did not totally make sense to me even though I liked it] ... but nothing sticks in my head ... [more lacunae in my memory - boy, I'm just like the guy in the song vis-a-vis things not sticking in my head] ... If feeling so, so good is a crime / Then arrest me till I am dead." Like I said, a lot of groovy stuff in this play.

Another song details the Fall, that is to say, Adam and Eve's unfortunate missteps in the Garden of Eden in regards to fruit. More progress is made in the young couple's relationship, although I forget what exactly happened at the end. It was good news, no matter what; they had both gotten stronger souls. The big closing number dealt with the Assumption, the Virgin Mary's ascension into Heaven, where she currently works administrating the saints. That's a very slow ballad, concerning the overwhelming love she feels for humanity as she surveys them from above. The song implies that Mary's Assumption involved her literally traveling vertically up from the surface of the Earth. That may sound odd to you - like, you might ask, "Don't most modern Christians, with the exception of some stray Fundamentalists, take ideas like Heaven's location being somewhere several dozens of miles above Earth as being symbolic?" The answer is no. Over the course of my Catholic grade school education, I had the luxury of being taught by a good many nuns, who were all quite old and insane, and they taught us a lot of important truths, like "Heaven is up there," "Let the Communion host dissolve on your tongue; if you bite it, Jesus will start bleeding in your mouth," and "You need to use 'Magenta' every time you color because it's my favorite color."

posted by Jack # 1:06 PM

A True Story

Q: Hello, Jack. I hope you're well. Anyway, could you please tell me the NOT AT ALL COMICAL-SOUNDING names of the co-chairs of the "Friends of the High Line"'s fourth annual summer benefit?

A: Sure, they're Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel, Diane von Furstenberg, and Edward Norton.

Q: [titter, titter, guffaw] Oh, really, how normal. Wait, who are the Steering Committee Co-Chairs?

A: That would be Alexandre von Furstenberg and Bronson van Wyck.

Gina Gershon Erotic Fan Fiction

I think there are more in this series?

Erotic Celebrity Gina Gershon had taken the day off of work to visit the Suction Machine Factory. "This particular suction machine is one of our latest models," explained the professor. "It offers unparalleled suction for energy consumption, and operates as softly as a purring kitten."

"Wow, how remarkable! Its styling reminds me of a vintage Honda Metropolitan."

"Yes, we don't do things by halves here at the Suction Machine Factory. Would you care to see it in operation?"

"Oh, yes!"

"Take any common household item and apply to the suction apparatus... Oh..." said the professor, seeing Gershon twist out of her panties. "Yes, your womanly parts will do fine."

Gina Gershon sat herself upon the machine, and immediately felt it go to work upon her. And go to work upon her it did, providing exactly the kind of uniform, steady suction about the entirety of her vulva that women crave. "Oh, gosh!" she said.

The professor checked the gauges, and noted with pleasure that the machine was operating quite smoothly. "Yes, although this model is intended for industrial applications, we've found that this sort of exaptation happens pretty regularly."

"My, oh, my! I've turned your suction machine into a fuck-tion machine!" said Gina Gershon, who was a bit too distracted by the workings of the device about her erotic ingress to converse very effectively.

"You may feel free to female ejaculate as much as you would like... the machine is well proofed against it."

"Is there a chance that the suction will cause my vagina to invert itself?"

"The chance of that happening is well under five percent, and it only very exceptionally happens to women who are not, by nature, prone to vaginal inversion. Although we do have another machine that will cause that quite reliably, if you are interested. Once the vagina is inverted, it is a relatively simple matter to give it the facility to reach a firmness with which to achieve penetration."

"Oh, not today, but remind me to grab your business card before I leave!"

And he did, and she did.

***

Kerry and Edwards fucked each other vigorously in the butts.

***

Gina Gershon was enjoying a chiken putanesca salad at a local restaurant entitled Hardwick's, the name of which she had, regrettably, misread. Nonetheless, her salad was quite good. Her labia were still swollen from the morning's exercises, and blood-red. Although they were depending considerably farther than usual, and very thick, they were still nowhere near so swollen as her old boarding school chum Ming Na's would get after an hour or so of the Warmed Glass Method. She chuckled at the memory of that enormous inner tube protruding from Ming Na's pelvis. "Oh, those were salad days," she said.

Quite suddenly, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas eroticed her. "All right!" said Gina Gershon.

TO BE CONTINUED!