From a 1996 issue of the Malden Catholic Literary Review.

Erotic Grape Fan Fiction (Tuesday, September 16, 2008)

Vedra Rubbinstuf stretched out - entirely nude - on her pink davenport.

"Ho hum," she said. "Another dull day! Whatever shall I do with the time... and me so horny, as well..." She did not realize that she had inadvertently made a popular reference to the film Full Metal Jacket. She was merely unable to refrain from observing that she was, indeed, very horny that afternoon.

She looked around the room. Her television sat on its orange crate in the corner. "Oh, piss on television! Who could want to watch that stuff on such a boring day!" Several books and magazines were stacked by the easy chair. "Pfff!" she said. "Books! As though I wanted a book! As though I were an asshole!" She reached for a grape from the plate on the table, and as she placed it whole in her mouth, a thought struck her.

The smooth, cool, and slightly wet grape rolled around on her tongue, and she found that her dire horniness only grew worse. She pressed it back out through her lips - her full, luscious lips - and held it between her thumb and her finger, studying it. Below, her horniness raged like a hot, wet thunderstorm.

As a child, she had made a game of placing as many as grapes in her mouth at once as she could. (Twenty-seven, in fact, on an occasion when she was in practice and had found some generally small grapes.) An overwhelming compulsion struck her to repeat this childhood diversion, but without using her mouth at all.

"I'm going to stick all these grapes into my pussy," she said.

As the first grape passed up into her eager and attractive pussy, she gasped with thrill. This was what she had been waiting for, not just on this dull afternoon, but her entire life. She could hardly imagine that her pussy or grapes existed for any reason other than this union. Why were grapes edible at all? It was an unnecessary distraction, she realized. Vedra inserted three more grapes in sequence.

At this point, she was trembling with pleasure - sexual pleasure - and could barely hold the plate of grapes steady. As the fifth grape slid home, Vedra realized that her delights had come with a dilemma. Thus far, all the grapes were still whole and intact, which seemed to her to be in the spirit of the game. But it was inevitable that the crowding of the grapes and the contraction of her notoriously powerful vaginal muscles would soon crush most or all of the grapes. She tried to decide whether this outcome bothered her, but found she could concentrate on nothing but the placement of the sixth grape, and the electric shivers of pleasure coursing through her body as the cool, sleek surfaces of the grapes ground over each other within her.

After the eighth and then the ninth grape, Vedra slid from the davenport onto the carpet. She gasped and moaned. Gasped and moaned erotically. The grapes, through some miracle of ideal eroticism, were all still intact. Soon the twelfth grape was pressing against her. Her eyes rolled up. She could see the room around her, but felt as though it were a little unreal, as though she were really somewhere else. She meowed like a cat and didn't even know why. Seventeen grapes.

As she pushed the final grape in with a small popping noise, she found she could no longer lift her arms. All of her limbs were trembling. So many grapes, she thought to herself. Her deep breathing began to catch in hitches. Finally, it had gone as far as it could. She moaned (she was having an orgasm, see?) and felt all of the grapes being suddenly crushed within her.

She lay still on the carpet, her heart hammering in her chest and a pool of grape juice growing around her butt.

"Twenty-eight," she gasped.

---

Some months later, Vedra sat down to dinner with her friend Evelyn, a lovely and statuesque sapphist dressed in an attractive cream-colored evening dress. "It's so wonderful to see you again, Vedra," said Evelyn, who occasionally said very boring things in the course of making small talk.

"I'm quite glad to see you, Evelyn," said Vedra. "I have something I've been very eager to show you. But first -" Vedra produced an unlabeled bottle - "may I offer you some wine?"

On Rachael Ray

From his What I Ate Food Questionnaire:

What are the shows you watch the most on Food Network? What are your thoughts on: Rachael Ray, Alton Brown, Nigella Lawson?

I don't watch too much FN, but I like Good Eats and Unwrapped when I see them, and I obvs used to watch a lot of Iron Chef. I had actually never seen Rachael Ray until very recently, when her show was on our office TV. She is awful.

The volume was pretty low and I had my headphones on, so at first, all I could tell was that some moron was wildly swinging her arms around on a kitchen set - a real grade-A chump, someone who should not have been allowed on TV. A sucker. I really couldn't believe that someone would find it necessary to point into a bowl at all, let alone so spastically, and so many times in a brief span of time. Do you, Ms. Ray, think that I do not know where the cookie dough goes when you tell me to put it into the bowl? At this point, I still did not realize that this was Rachael Ray, since I had understood her to have dark hair, whereas this woman had a vaguely passable dye job. I started listening at this point to see if it reduced the disorienting effect of her palpable physicial discomfort before the camera. I found her articulation to be choppy and forced, and generally bad. I cannot speak to her qualifications as a cook of entry-level food, but as a television personality, she is absolutely artless. A notch above, say, a Google-Current VJ or the people who do Internet video reviews on Gamespot, but that's still pretty awful. Who let her on television? She's just insulting.

BOYLAND: I've been reading a bunch of comic books lately, and I took a look through some classic Green Lantern & Green Arrow adventures. In 1970, they did this little run, where Green Arrow opened Green Lantern's eyes up to the fact that there's a lot of evil right here on Earth - social evils. And they present this as being Green Lantern coming to terms with some morally ambiguous situations where things aren't as cut and dried as he'd like, and having to make some difficult decisions about who the real bad guys are.

me: that certainly sounds like it would mess with the whole premise of comic books.

Boyland: So the second issue, the bad guy they tackle is the owner of a mine in Montana who keeps rigid control of the mining town, and runs his own court system. He decides to execute a folk singer, because the folk singer had been getting the miners to think about a better life. The owner also has a bunch of thugs to do his dirty work, who are all former Nazis, that the bad guy had rescued from war crimes jail or something, and they keep calling him "führer."

My feeling is this: is that really a morally ambiguous situation?

me: yeah what's it supposed to be? is the folksinger a jerk or something?

Boyland: Well, yes, but not to the perspective of Green Arrow and Green Lantern.

me: so, what do they decide to do?

Boyland: They take out the evil mine owner.
Also, the evil mine owner lives in a fort outside of the mining town surrounded by machine gun nests and landmines.

Some favorite tweets

Read through a bunch of these today and laughed many times, I highly recommend a review of this body of work. Better when each is accompanied by the avatar.

Google image results for Romanian tennis star Simona Halep focus on her career prior to her breast reduction surgery.

#NewYorkMarbleCemetery open today. One child in Spider-Man costume. One accordionist.

I'm enjoying this Boston Kreme Donut less now that I noticed its resemblance to a poop and ejaculate donut. Oh well.

My researches have led me to create the file 'harrypotterdata.py' so that I can crunch the numbers better. Saturday night!

Jesus Christ, I just had to explain to the comic shop clerks who Jim Woodring is. We ain't in Cambridge, Toto.

Something in the air this weekend tells me I'm going to spend $100 on Beverly Cleary ebooks.

There are rumors that Pedro Martínez used Normal Sizedness Normalizing Drugs.

Guess whether the hospital in Newark is nice.

Does anyone in Brooklyn want a pile of saline syringes and other unused medical supplies? Dig through everyone's trash until you find mine.

I want to tell my landlord I'm moving, but I'm going to wait until he's not literally roaring drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

Skitching off of rickshaws signifies that the Karate Kid is finding a place for himself in China.

Did anybody lose a ham? One just fisted me while I was watching the beginning of the Karate Kid remake.

Among those Wikipedia lists as having been influenced by H. Jon Benjamin is Billy Ray Cyrus.

While reading through my Yipit offers, I got a solicitation from Señorita Margarita's Maracas. Guess, reader, what kind of food they serve.

Indeed, IV nurse. As you say, many films are set in Boston.

Once, there was made something called Pizza Crunchabungas.

If the next Alvin and the Chipmunks film comes out on Halloween and features classic Universal monsters, someone stole my dream last night.

Do people give a shit about the show Moonlighting? It seems more or less the same as anything else.

Calm down, Wikipedia plot summary of The Rocketeer, and be shorter - like, two paragraphs long.

Van Cliburn appeared as himself in "Silence My Companion, Death My Destination," an episode of the cartoon Iron Man.

Had a dream last night (a nightmare?) that something went wrong and webhad to use Hotline Connect for file sharing.

I like when I have to recover a password from some crap web site like LinkedIn I haven't visited in years and the password is "butthole."

Dear Wes Anderson, only the genera name is capitalized, not the species name, you rotten stupid fucker.

Flock of sparrows in the back yard. I like to imagine a map from Nunavut to Argentina with a star on my house.

Things I've recently seen on the History Channel: a documentary about Zeus, two documentaries about Star Wars, instructions on sword use.

The Skip Gates thing. #boringthings

I had forgotten that the last episode of Webster, "Webtrek," was about Webster traveling to the future and meeting Worf. That's weird.

Every year that goes by without adult-sized underoos of 80s kid culture characters is another eight jillion dollars some moron isn't making.

Classic child-scarer The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985) was released in the UK as Comet Quest. Are the English dumb?

@widdikombe Change your name to K-19_the_Widdimaker.

Me: [hands over tubes of urine and blood] Nurse: Thank you!

Elroy Jetson's teacher is named Miss Brainknocker.

GB2

I heard through the rumor mill that you rewatched Ghostbusters II. I understand that it can be a difficult experience. I haven't undertaken it myself in a while. I always disliked that Winston was not appropriately included in the celebration of the victory over the Scolari brothers. As a child I worried that it was racially motivated. I've since come to understand that Winston was meant to be a humorously out-of-place addition to the Ghostbusters family in the original film, but it still sits poorly with me. I was just reflecting earlier today that Janosz was probably not a very good character to have in the film. (Long story, I heard someone pronounce the god Janus's name weirdly.) Anyways, stay strong!