Thursday, March 8, 2012

More Dear J.K. Rowling

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

I think that it is probably a pretty good idea if your next book has a part where the gang meets some kids from an American wizarding school. Maybe you already wrote that into your completed book, and I heard about it, and agreed that it was a good idea; I am not sure. But if you have not, I encourage you to substantially rewrite the book since it will be much better with Americans.

Are you friends with any Americans? We can be friends, if you would like. I bet we will learn a lot from each other. Americans come from all sorts of different ethnic backgrounds; I bet you would have a lot of fun coming up with all sorts of crazy names for all of the non-white characters. That seems to be something you're pretty into.

I'm afraid that I don't have a lot of other good pieces of advice or unveiled slanders for you; so I guess in other regards you should just stay the course. Although, if you don't know already, there have been a series of routinely mediocre films based on your Harry Potter novels; you might reasonably be unhappy with the fact.

Also, my internet connection has been vory slow lately - stuttery, I guess - and I can't imagine why. It's a fairly new computer, and I don't think that my co-workers are having any problems. Is it Firefox? How does Microsoft make money off of Internet Explorer?


PS: You may name one of the wizards after me.

posted by Jack # 9:42 AM

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Am I to understand that the Fat Friar completed a course of study at Hogwarts (in Hufflepuff, natch) and then became an ordained servant of a Christian church? I mean, even for the Anglicans, that's rather... open-minded.

With fondness,

posted by Jack, 9/06/2005 02:52:00 PM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Isn't Charms way more important than the other classes?


posted by Jack, 9/07/2005 12:55:00 PM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,

Why don't the professors make them use anti-cheating quills all the time?

Come on.

Fondest wishes,

posted by Jack, 9/08/2005 10:15:00 AM

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dear J. K. Rowling,


With affection,

posted by Jack, 9/14/2005 06:17:00 PM

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Dear J K Rowling,

Practical limitations forbid my listing every larger, series-wide plot point given short shrift by Mr. Newell in his recent film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Who made Mona Lisa Smilewhich is the sort of film that even the least self-respecting woman with a taste for genres beginning with the prefix "chick-" must admit is a very bad movie. I'm sorry, I had a point. Yes! Plot points, etc. Say, Jo, Mr. Newell's film does not make us think at excessive length about Sirius Black at all, does it?

I'd like to apologize to my conversational partners (buddies, my Auntie Nancy) for trying to articulate the glosses I disliked with such relatively clunky examples as the Wizengamot's (sp?) growing angst.

Still, that study hall scene cracked my shizz up.

With fondness,

posted by Jack, 12/01/2005 06:50:00 PM

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

How did Ron get good grades? He's so stupid.


posted by Jack, 2:56 PM

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

I am afraid that I do not have too much to report from America. It may be that the heat of Summer has slowed me down, I have used this excuse before and like the sound of it.

I did have the opportunity at work during a lapse in higher brain functioning to play a bit ofHarry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the Game Boy Color - did you know that someone at some point found it appropriate to design the floor of Gringott's in that game with large and consipicuous stars of David?

I just watched Days of Heaven, I believe that John Williams may have cribbed some notes for your Harry Potter films from Ennio Morricone's soundtrack to the escape scene at the end. (Or possibly Leo Kottke's, he evidently wrote some of the music, although I suspect the piece I am referring to was Morricone's. Regardless, I found the score to be a bit much. The film in general was a lot more artificial than I had been expecting. I guess the lesson is that life is full of surprises or something, whatever, Netflix was right that this was a "beautifully shot period piece.")

Yank and Sue got married, although you maybe already knew that. I went to Sleater-Kinney's last New York show, got my refrigerator replaced... We moved to new offices on Friday, where I'm to have my very own desk, at least for the time being, I guess. I put a little coffee table in my bedroom, we'll see how long that lasts. I'm worried I'm going to kill or cripple myself on it one morning.

Does our touching and lively correspondence remind you of Dear Mr. Henshaw? I see from some earlier notes of mine that Wikipedia suggests to educators using the book in classes that "[s]ome of the projects that can be researched are monarch butterflies, life of a truck driver, and catering businesses." I learn a lot of things from Wikipedia. Consider:

"In 1957, [Harlan] Ellison decided to write about youth gangs. To research the issue, he joined a street gang in the Red Hook, Brooklyn area, under the name 'Cheech Beldone.'" - (I have modified, J. K., the quotation mark succeeding Beldone to bring it more in line with my views on appropriate punctuation.)

Also, "Another fact about Rip Taylor is that he did not learn how to drive a car until he was 44.

"Prior to becoming famous, Taylor was a page in the Senate. He was also conscripted into the Army and served in the Korean War."

I also learned this, although it seems that you are almost certainly already aware of the fact: "In 2002, an unauthorized Chinese-language "sequel" entitled Harry Potter And Leopard Walk Up To Dragon appeared for sale in the People's Republic of China. This poorly written book (the work of a Chinese ghost writer) contains characters from the works of other authors, including Gandalf from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and the title character from L. Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz. Rowling's lawyers successfully took legal action against the publishers who were forced to pay damages."

I won't speak to the necessity of qualifying the book as having been "poorly" written, although I believe that you may have misstepped in addressing this issue. It seems to me that the happiest and wisest solution would have been to bring the author under your employ, although I am sure that your lawyers may have been operating without your direct supervision, so please do not take this as chiding.

Anyways, I've learned a lot of things lately, probably about 75% of them from Wikipedia, but I should go play now.

With affection,

posted by Jack, 11:35 PM

Dear J.K. Rowling

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dear J.K. Rowling,

In preparation for the upcoming release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, a book by you, I am rereading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I was struck this time by Ron's fondness for the comic book The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle. I believe that many of your readers, like Ron, would enjoy reading Mr. Miggs's stories. If I understand things correctly, you are currently beginning the composition of Deathly Hallows. May I humbly suggest that it consist to the greatest possible degree of said adventures?

With affection,

PS: If you would like Martin Miggs to have an American best friend, then I have even more great ideas for you.

PPS: Maybe in one adventure, Martin Miggs has to prepare a fancy dinner, but his crazy Muggle kitchen appliances keep making a big mess?