Monday, October 31, 2011

6.29.06 Food Reporter Comment

I always enjoyed this description of my grandmother:

Jack said...

Mattpod's grandmother pulled up next to me at a stoplight, and started whistling and hooting to get my attention. I realized that she wanted to drag race (she was in a heavily modded Supra) and revved my engine (I was in my utility Civic that I use for chores, but that is basically street illegal) to signify that, yeah, Grampod, I'll race you. So the light turns green, and I take off, and I'm two blocks away before I realize that she took off from the light in reverse and is already five blocks behind the starting line. I bank myself up off some newspaper machines to do a quick 180 and take off after her - going forward while she's in reverse - just so I can give her a quick thumbs up to concede victory. It takes me over two miles to catch up with her, and we wind up down along East Broadway before I finally catch her. She's just laughing and nodding at me and she's got her old lady buddy in the car with just laughing her head off. So I buy them both lunch at Canton Carl's (this totally illegal Chinese food place that's only for real hard-asses) and while we're eating she tells me to either get bigger wheels or balls, and then she and her buddy crack up, and she buys us a round of Tsingtaos. Classic Mattpod's grandmother all the way.

9:17 PM

6.29.06 Email

Hey Matt, I found this great picture for you!

Here's a picture Sean Boyland has suggested for you as your Gmail picture. If you choose to use it, other Gmail users will see this picture whenever they email or chat with you.

To use this picture, click here.

You can also change your Gmail picture at any time. For more information, please visit our Help Center.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Friday, June 16, 2006

"Zoot Suit Riot" parody about Harvey's concept for what would be the ultimate cheeseburger
Sphere cheesburger! (Burger!)
Most beautiful thing in the world!
Sphere cheeseburger! (Burger!)
Recommended for a boy or girl.

Not safe for work "Zoot Suit Riot" parody about a risqué concept I had for a humorous and dirty get-rich-quick scheme
Spunking money! (Money!)
Dollars dimes and twenty five cents!
Spunking money! (Money!)
I'm a-spunkin' out dead presidents!

This presumes the ability to produce money in a sexual and unconventional fashion, which I think would ultimately prove unpleasant for anyone into whom was spunked.

Mario Kart DS related "Zoot Suit Riot" parody lyrics

Waluigi! (Igi!)
Drivin' 'round in a backhoe!
Waluigi! (Igi!)
Wind him up and watch him go!

Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
Throwing shells all over the race!
Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
She's gonna come in first place!

"ZSR" Pizza

Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
I am getting hungry!
Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
Give some pizza to me!

Frankly, a somewhat unimaginative and crude "ZSR" parody. Not my best work.

Zoot suit butthole!
Doot doot bottle of beer!
Zoot suit butthole!
Zweeba zweeba dun dun beer!

Peanut butter "ZSR"

Peanut butter! (Butter!)
Crunchy creamy and in between!
Peanut butter! (Butter!)
I think you know what I mean!


Bloglines Plumber!
Please fix Bloglines real soon!
Bloglines Plumber!
Zip zop bop to the moon!

Kappa Mikey!
You're a show on TV!
Kappa Mikey!
Zeep bop zeeba dee pow!


Writing words down!
Yeah Dry Bones is a pimp!
Writing words down!
Uncle Carl's a shimp!


Wentworth Miller!
Accused of being campus racist!
Wentworth Willer!
Although he was racially mixed.

posted by Jack, 8:19 PM

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Susan, Walter, and Jeremy.
Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Vinicius and Dubbin and Zols.

Note: Even though that's a pretty heavy load of birthdays for a single week, I'm pretty sure that there are other people that I've forgotten whose birthdays are also this week. Also, Dubbin's ex-girlfriend, but she sucks, so fuck her.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

How did Ron get good grades? He's so stupid.


Thursday, June 22, 2006

You're in the Zoot Suit Riot!

Pullin goalies!
That is how you win the World Cup!
Pullin goalies!
Umm baby I just can't get enough!

The ceiling fan!
Spinning spinning spinning and spins!
The ceiling fan!
Spinning things is how this thing wins!

Cocaine cartel!
You are a butterface!
Cocaine cartel!
Relatively directionless song.

Get more popcorn!
That's-a what I'm going to eat!
Get more popcorn!
It's the taste that just cannot be beat.

Sucking d-bones!
Putting penis into my mouth.
Sucking d-bones!
East West North and then in the South.

Follow-Up E-mail, subject: "Parody Album"

"Piven Just Enough for the City."

You can pay the million dollars in cash or in pussy.

Another E-mail, subject: "Song Parody"

Start writing some huge-ass checks around town, man. I've made us rich again. Everyone likes "Better Man" by Pearl Jam, right? Well check THIS out:

Can't find a bigger butt.

E-mail from Sean

I hope you're having a good holiday season. I guess you're probably watching Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel right now. I probably shouldn't say too much more because of "spoilers." Let me know when you feel that you've seen AatC:TS enough times for a discussion group and we can talk about the stuff that happens at the end that's pretty mind-blowing.


Sean: I guess I might say that when it comes to the sexuality of two-digit numbers, 69 is number 1

me: 33

Sean: 33 is very sexual.

me: oh my


Sean: 34 is less sexual than 33

me: part of the 4 goes right into the 3

a 5 looks like a ball and penis


a 6 does moreso

Sean: A 9 shares many qualities with 6.

me: very interesting

Sean: ۩


That's what it looks like when a man gets a boner with a man on his left who has a flex-boner.

me: 32

that is a snake biting a boob

Sean: Or a butt.

See, when I see a 3, I'm thinking about butts right away.

me: fair enough

Sean: I hardly ever think of boobs in a sexual way or otherwise.

me: I can't see that

Sean: What are you supposed to do with them?

me: I usually use them to hold together the bread on a sandwich

while you put the ingredients in

Sean: So together but slightly apart?

With enough room for ingredients to go in, but producing enough pressure to keep the ingredients in place once they're inserted?

You're right, that is the approximate pressure vector of boobs and an ideal way to make sandwiches.

me: I know what I'm talking about

Sean: What number is that?

I guess it's the number 3=

me: yup

Sean: If you ever meet someone whose address is 269, say in a loud voice, "Do you like 269?"

me: how loud are we talking

Sean: Ironically, a 33.

On the 50 point loudness scale.

me: which is the standard scale

Sean: My new gag is saying things that are really obvious, like "On the 50 point loudness scale."

me: yeah

that is pretty hilarious

Sean: Or like, I just made a burrito in the toaster oven...

...And wrapped it in a napkin to keep my hands clean, making a sort of second burrito wrapper.

It's like, duh.

me: why didn't you just use a napkin to make the burrito in the first place?

Sean: Because I don't work at the frozen burrito factory.

To my great shame.

Tomorrow is a very exciting week for film history.

me: go on

Sean: The 31st (Tuesday?) is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Matrix.

And April 3rd (Friday maybe?) is when Fast and Furious is coming out, so in the future people will refer to it as the day when the greatest film ever made was released.

me: these are exciting times

Sean: I can still remember the plot of The Matrix.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme Song

Sean: I can't believe that Larry screwed up this deal!

Sean: I like this funny song that they play.

me: Someone should write words to it

Sean: Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, di-di-di-doo, doo-doo, di-doo.

I just did.

me: Not bad.

My lyrics would be:

duh-duh-duh-duh, di-doo-di-doo, di-doo-di-doo

Sean: Hold it buddy! Curb that Enthusiasm!

Here comes Larry, with a brand new situation!

On Viewing the Trailer for Big Momma's House 3

me: the lunchroom scene looks the best

Sean: Of many good scenes, that does look especially promising.

me: I also am looking forward to the figure drawing class

'whoops, there it is"

Sean: It's gotten me curious about where they're headed in BMH4.

me: Big Momma finds out she has a twin sister?

the dog needs to dress up like a big momma dog?

Sean: * Record scratch *

Say what?

me: big momma's doghouse

oh, HELL no

Sean: Announcer: This summer, YOU'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE!

Audience: What?

Announcer: Big Momma's Doghouse!

Audience: Oh, I see.

me: Announcer: Sheesh. Not the brightest bulbs.

Audience: What was that?

Announcer: I said... Cheeeeese, not the lightest mulb...

Audience: what is a mulb?

Announcer: Look over there!

Audience: What, where, what is it?

Announcer: Big Momma's Doghouse! It's... Alive!

Sean: Audience: Yes, granted, but I asked you a question. What is a mulb?

Announcer: It's a mulberry if you're cool, which you aren't.

Audience: I didn't pay to be treated like this.

Announcer: Did you sneak in after watching Machete?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Important epiphany regarding Jerry Orbach biopic

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 2:56 PM

In the role of Jerry Orbach: Sam Waterston, natch.
Upon review of classic Seinfeld "The Library": to play the role of Sam Waterston: Philip Baker Hall.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 4:47 PM

You mean you've never been fishing? Mr. Adventure?

Come on... my idea of an adventure is riding a cab without my seatbelt on.

You should try it... you might like it.

Am I to take it that you're a fisherman?

As a matter of fact, I'm going to a little spot I know in Freeport this weekend. You interested?

Hmm... I'm not going to have to wear a hat with feathers in it, am I?

Not unless that's what you usually do with your weekends.

All right, it's a date.

Sam smirks.

But you're paying for dinner if you want me to put out.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 7:20 PM


Jerry folds his tie neatly. TEMPLETON, a PA, folds his jacket.

Hey, that's a nice watch, Jerry!

Well, thank you very much, Templeton. It was actually a birthday gift from Epatha.

Oh... really. She must have wanted you to have some "bling." Well, nice bling, Jerry.

You have something you'd like to say, Templeton?

Well, you know Epatha... and her... they're a bit dumb, huh?

(closes on Templeton)
All right, you listen to me - if you want to know something about Epatha, or Jesse, or me, or anyone else, then why don't you get to know us, huh? I've got no time for your kind of garbage, get it?

Hey, I didn't know you...

No, you didn't know, you bum! You didn't know a thing!

Take it easy, Mr. Orbach!

I won't take a damn thing easy from you, pal! I don't like you, I don't like your talk, and like I said, I don't like you!

Jerry pokes Templeton in the chest.


Can't take a hint, can you? Well here's a big one for you - get the hell out of my trailer!

Templeton stumbles out. Jerry shakes his head, pissed off, and looks in the mirror. He fingers his watch. He chuckles.

You're damned right it's a nice watch, you punk.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 7:21 PM

Brainstorm: Wayne Knight and Mandel as a pair of psychic twins.

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 1:54 AM

Jerry, please. We all know this is a big 'sode. But you don't have to drink, just for the 'sode!

Whaddayou know? Whaddayou know about Lenny?

Jerry, I know a lot about Lenny. I know Lenny is Rey's friend. I know Lenny is my friend. Period.

Look, Rey... I mean... Ben... oh, shit...

Jerry, I need you to stop for a second. I need you to...

Oh, Ben, can't you see it's all bullshit? This whole damn... it's all bullshit, is what it is!

It's not bullishit, and you know it!

Jill and Steven step forward.

He's right, Jerry. It's not bullshit.

It's not, Jerry. It's not bullshit.

No, it's all bullshit! All of it! Can't you see Lenny?

Jerry - we don't care about Lenny, we care about Jerry.

That's exactly it, Jerry - we all love Lenny, but we love Jerry more.

Jerry sits down in front of his mirror and gives it a good hard look.

Jerry, Claire's about to die - you know that. Claire's going to die tonight. Will I still be there, Jerry? After Claire dies?

Of... of course, Jill! You're still here! You're always still here!

That's right! And where's Jerry after this awful episode is through?

I'm.. I'm here! I'm here, Jill! Steven... Ben ! Ben! You know I'm here.

That's right, Jerry. I know you're here. But how about you give us that bottle of scotch, just so as we know you're still here.

Oh... oh, what have I done?

Jerry surrenders his bottle of delicious scotch.

I don't think I... I never...

Jerry starts to cry.

I wish Sam were here! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wish Sam were here so much!

Hey, Jerry. Where do you think Sam is right now? Do you think he's not crying his damn eyes out in his trailer, right now, for you?

Jerry cries profusely.



Sam head down on his desk, crying his damn eyes out.

Oh, please, God, please, just let Jerry be okay! Please!

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 1:56 AM

Ben and Jerry hug profusely. No humorous reference is possible, given their hugging, so big is it.

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 2:10 AM


On a "take five," Jesse approaches Jerry.

Well, Mr. Orbach, I just have to say... it's... boy, it's just a real pleasure to be working with you, that's it. I'm sorry if...

You're not sorry for a damn thing, kid! It's a real pleasure to be working with you.

Oh, wow. I don't know what to say. I mean, I know that you and Ben were...

(points to his heart)
You see this, kid? That's where Ben is - forever! But you know something? I spoke to my heart, after Ben left - I asked it, is there room for one more? You know what it said, Jesse?

... What did it say?

(points to a different part of his heart)
It said there's room for one more, right here. You wanna know something? You're there, right now.

Jesse tries to smile and starts to cry. Jerry starts to cry. They look each other in the eye. Jesse opens his arms. That's what Jerry was waiting for. They hug, hard, like men do. Jesse cries right into Jerry's trenchcoat.

I love you, Jerry!

I love you, too, kid, but you gotta buy me dinner if you want me to put out.

They both laugh.

fan letters (April 30, 2007)

Sean: You should send Brad Neely a fan letter.
me: you think?
5:59 PM Sean: Sure! Writing fan letters is fun.
Thought: don't write emails to minor cultural figures you admire in the middle of the night when you are drunk.
me: I never do that. maybe I will.
have you done that?
6:00 PM Sean: Yeah, it's come up some times.
Several cartoonists.
The guy who invented
He actually wrote me back less than an hour later with a nice note.
me: that's awesome
6:01 PM Sean: Sometimes, after I finally muster the courage to read what I wrote, it turns out that it wasn't too sentimental or confused and mostly made sense and seemed polite and reasonable, but I still felt very embarrassed anyway.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

"All the cheerleaders"

February 17, 2009

Sean: One time I wrote a song in a dream, and in my dream, I told my buddy Jay, "I just wrote the most amazing song," and I sang it, and he was like, "Oh my God, that's so awesome."

The song's lyrics are:
All of the cheerleaders go doot doo doo doo. All of the cheerleaders go doot doo doo doo. All of the cheerleaders go doot doo doo doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
   It turned out in the waking world that it was not quite as good as "Yesterday."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Chat with Sean Boyland - 3/23/06

4:07 PM Sean: I'm not proud of this, but when I started writing the comments here, I got pretty giggly over how funny I was being.

Sean: When I thought of editing his wikipedia page, I went into the hall to laugh to myself so no one would know that I was vandalizing wikipedia instead of working.
I guess I'm just embarassed that

me: haha

Sean: 1) I laughed at my own joke
2) my best joke in at least a year is about a man eating poops.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The True Story of Shoemaker

One day in high school, my year was sent to Pope John’s to see a play. Delegates from two other local Catholic High Schools were bussed in; since we were just around the corner from Pope John’s, we walked. It was pretty exciting to see all those other young people – there was a lot of hooting and shouting “women!” and slapping ourselves with our shoes etc. – but it was also boring to see a play, so things all evened out. The play was one of those involutionary interactive types where they do a bunch playacting then a character playing the role of a detective sort of raps with the audience for a while and brings out the other characters and we try to solve the mystery for the detective. Mysteriously, the assistance of several hundred Catholic Middlesex County teenagers did not further the Colonial era detective’s cause. Oh, yes, how clumsy of me not to have mentioned, the play was about some sort of Colonial era witch hunt with period dialogue and costumes and a period-authentic burning but unrealized need to establish an American regional mode of expression in literature and the arts that was not to be given full flower until the nineteenth century. Anyways, we were all watching a perhaps less than perfect stage production. I cannot imagine what persuaded the powers that be in the Catholic Conference schools to arrange this entertainment for us. For the first part, high school students are generally less than gracious when assembled, and I see no need to inflict this fact on hired professionals, particularly the not the combined effort of four tribes, all eager to impress the others with their talents for the obnoxious and the crafting of fake names with the word “Butt” in them. Secondly, I do not see the particular need for a group of young Catholics to gather and reflect on the mysteries of Colonial era witch hunts, unless, perhaps, we were meant to join a ministry on Earth in God’s service dedicated to the secretly organized prosecution and execution of witches. Perhaps the good boys, the pious boys, left the play and after school pulled Mr. Pettite aside, and said, “Mr. Pettite, I just want you to know that I completely understand what we saw today, and if you ever need my help with anything – anything – let me know, and I’ll be there for you. My eyes are open under the hand of God and I’ll be there for you.” And Mr. Pettite would knowingly smile and show up in the pious boy’s bedroom that night at midnight with his witchhunting robes and would enact the ceremonies of consecration of a young man’s purpose to God’s ends of the destruction of witches and give him an old leatherbound manual on the identification of hags, werewolves, vampires, nibblehogs, menstruating women, and other monsters in Beelzebub’s horny menagerie.

Anyways, as I said, I also did not see why Catholic schools particularly should have had this inflicted on them. Granted, we had recently read, if memory serves, Arthur Miller’s Crucible, and previous to that, The Boring Scarlet Letter, as part of our English department’s ongoing academic program of being conspicuously worse than the hard or social sciences in our school and having students throughout the academic program participate in vocabulary lessons which is essentially spelling, like you remember from second grade, except in lieu of lessons being themed around ideas like “tricky T,” they are “words from Spanish” and the words are all stupid, just so that you do not embarrass yourself when you show up at college and everyone keeps talking about juntas. I have started digressing again.

My third concern is that I do not know quite what benefit our school’s administrators expected to garner when we were given the opportunity to interface with people wearing buckles on their hats in a place unfamiliar to our eyes and thus seemingly beyond the laws that normally bound us. It was a pretty good time, some of our boys got off some very humorous names that were not actually their own over the shushes of our custodians. But things got wicked awesome when the nerds came out and started participating earnestly in the mystery-solving, each boy hoping to be the one to unravel the case of the young housemaid’s alleged witching. O’Meara, whom in retrospect was destined to champion the cause of nerdlery for us Lancers, raised his hand with a pencil in it in that same obnoxious self-important way he always used in class that made all of us most particularly me so angry and boy I hated that rotten O’Meara with his no good smug hand raising style! That is why I sometimes would steal his pencils. Still, one’s heart could not but swell with pride, when Brian, concerned with the judicial miscarriage we were watching, and full of a well-earned knowledge of various marginal glosses to our textbook’s rendition of The Crucible, inquired of Colonial Detective #1, and I quote, “Had the poppets human hair, or had they merely hog’s?”* It was pretty exciting, and we were pleased to establish our dominance over our coevals in the field of saying completely insane things to a dude wearing a waist-length cape. Sadly, our triumph was short lived. Not long after the players struggled to make the answer to Brian’s question known (The answer: I don’t care), one of the young gentleman from another school indicated that he, too, would like a word with the detective. The detective, let us, to humanize him, call him Temperance Bradstreet, Colonial Dick, anyways, Temperance Bradstreet, Colonial Dick, asked the young gentleman his name, not having learned, evidently, that this line of inquiry was generally prone to producing a seemingly endless stream of young men whose names contained colloquial terms for the human anatomy. The young gentleman had no such inclination, though. He – and I really wish, readers, that I could perform this next and most important bit of the tale for you directly, since I have been told that my impression of the fellow’s voice is impressively accurate – answered, assertive and bold, “I am Shoemaker, of Chelsea!” This pretty much won everyone’s affection, and not just the handful of Chelsea loyalists throughout the room, everyone was pretty happy about Shoemaker’s ready participation in the festivities. Truly, the high point of a good many days.

Bill Barasso ((?) Was it he?) tried to follow up on Shoemaker’s coup – when asked for his name, he said it was “Bob Shoes.” Brilliant in its own way, but not the same at all. Also, the actor portraying Temperance Bradstreet sussed Bill’s ruse, and replied that, no, his name was not Bob Shoes at all. Bill held his ground, and they had quite seriously a few back and forths on the model of

Man dressed like Thanksgiving decoration: Your name is not Bob Shoes!
Bill, in guise of Bob Shoes: Yeah it is!
Man: No it is not!
Bill: Yeah it is!
Man: It is not!
Bill: Yeah it is!
Man: Your name is not Bob Shoes!
Bill: Yeah it is!

Barry Dwyer rose to Bill’s defense, promising that, yes, this young man was indeed named Bob Shoes, it was a fact, and like Germany in World War I, the effort of fighting a war on two fronts soon tired T. Bradstreet to the point of granting that, okay, Mr. Shoes, what would you like to know about the mystery? I am afraid that I cannot call to mind Bill’s question at that point, to be honest, it may not have actually been a very penetrating insight into the case.

Anyways, that’s my story, anything else amusing that happened that day has been similarly lost to time, although I know the walk back to our school through the Stuart’s parking lot was devoted pretty much entirely to loud imitations of Brian and Shoemaker. You may please fill in your own Cooley High, Stand By Me style of bittersweet epilogue on how our lives actually turned out in the end.

Poppet: (n) A common household doll. Accused witches were said to use the dolls to bewitch neighbors whom the poppets were meant to represent. Conventionally stuffed with hog’s hair, the witches were thought to steal hair from their victims for use in their dolls. Learn Along With Literature: Draw a picture of what you think a poppet might look like. What would you do if you knew witchcraft?

Bag of Mutagens

Sean Boyland Thu, Sep 27, 2007 at 3:09 PM

These messages were sent while you were offline.

3:09 PM
Sean: From the Wikipedia article on mutagens -

"In the Street Fighter movie, a bag of mutagens is used by General Bison to transform Carlos Blanka into a monster."

Alan Yang Thu, Sep 27, 2007 at 3:47 PM
To: Sean Boyland


Sean Boyland Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:06 AM

I refuse to accept that as canon, especially since it's well known that "Blanka" was a nickname given to him by the Amazonian tribesmen before he turned green. Or blue if you're doing a Blanka v. Blanka match.

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:10 AM
To: Sean Boyland

"In his Street Fighter II ending, he reunites with his mother who recognizes him from the anklets he wears. She reveals that Blanka was once known as Jimmy, before he was in a plane crash as a little boy."

This Carlos shit is from that weak-ass Raul Julia piece where they made Guile's friend Charlie and Blanka into the same character. Yeah, right. Charlie = Blanka? Fuck that.

Alan Yang Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:12 AM
To: Sean Boyland

"Blanka's most apparent characteristic is his green color. His in-game storyline states that he was once extremely pale and was once known locally as the hombre blanco (white man) and adapted the blanco into his name Blanka. This is a strange storyline point because the language spoken in Brazil is not Spanish but Portuguese (in which that expression would be homem branco). His green skin color in the games is attributed to his constant use of chlorophyll from plants to better blend in with the jungle environment, a color change that eventually became permanent."


"In the non-canon Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter, Blanka appears in the ending of another green-skinned powerhouse, The Incredible Hulk. In the ending, Bruce Banner theorizes that gamma radiation caused Blanka's mutations, as they did his."

Is it chlorophyll or gamma radiation?

Sean Boyland Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:13 AM

Skills: hunting, electrical discharge.

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:19 AM
To: Sean Boyland

That goes on the bottom of Blanka's CV.

Sean Boyland Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:14 AM

It's also not entirely clear what "constant use of chlorophyll" actually means.

Alan Yang Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:19 AM
To: Sean Boyland

Eating broccoli?

Alan Yang Fri, Sep 28, 2007 at 11:27 AM
To: Sean Boyland

According to the English language Street Fighter II manual, eating spicy Indian curry gave Dhalsim the ability to breathe fire, but this was rewritten to being a gift from Agni, the Indian god of fire.

An Email Boyland Sent Me For No Real Reason

How many things can you find wrong with this picture?

A: a billion

Sean Boyland

Chat with Sean Boyland, 1/9/07

1:13 PM

me: who is internet69?

Sean: Jost.

Sean: I told him to choose a different name and he smiled and shook his head.

G-Chat, 2/11/09

These messages were sent while you were offline.

Mutant Town

This is a series of emails Boyland and I sent each other about which X-Men we were, and also some jokes about our roommate Steedman. Sorry the formatting is so ugly.

Mutant Town
24 messages

Sean Boyland Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:06 PM
To: Alan Michael Yang

I had been wondering where in the city Mutant Town was supposed to be - I hoped Alphabet City, but I didn't want to be greedy. It took me forever to find a reference, but yes, Mutant Town's right in Alphabet City. Good for the mutants! Probably all salsa dancing and drinking Pabst.

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:08 PM
To: Sean Boyland

Where's the reference?

Sean Boyland Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:14 PM
To: Alan Yang

The establishing shot (and that issue of X-Factor) don't look exactly like the homestead, but they don't not look like it. My question is where do humans go to drink if Alphabet City is mutant territory?
Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:17 PM
To: Sean Boyland

I'll tell you who the real mutant is ...


Sean Boyland Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:19 PM
To: Alan Yang

Steedman's no X-Man... more like an XL-Man!

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:21 PM
To: Sean Boyland

If she were an X-Man, though, I know who she'd be ...


Sean Boyland Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:23 PM
To: Alan Yang

The Beast is too smart! She's sort of like Rogue - Southern, and if she ever touched me, my soul would die.

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:31 PM
To: Sean Boyland

Have you seen the episode of X-Men the animated series where Beast is in jail and he is reading a book while in jail?

The book he is reading? Animal Farm.

Sean Boyland Wed, Feb 1, 2006 at 2:50 PM
To: Alan Yang

I have not - I hoped I could find a "screen cap" online. You know, is he holding the book with his foot, is he hanging upside down? It turns out that googling "animal farm" beast "x-men" gets you a lot of bestiality links.

Someone should start a web site - I guess they're called "flickr groups" or something now - of books that people read on TV and in movies. Always so much elliptical symbolism! Or explicit symbolism! Or just Animal Farm!
Sean Boyland

Sean Boyland Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 11:15 AM
To: Alan Yang

In the attached sequence, Professor X is reading an issue of L'intelligent with a cover story about Le Professeur X.

With which of the X-Men do you most identify personally?

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 11:59 AM
To: Sean Boyland

That is a good question. In my youth I would have said Beast, and I'm not sure things have changed all that much.

The real answer, of course, is Sunfire. How about you?

Also, I really hated Cyclops in the animated series.

Sean Boyland Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 12:06 PM
To: Alan Yang

Well, Beast. Eben and Yank were ragging on me, and I was like, what? Obviously Beast. Cyclops was a huge drip in the cartoon, and some of the rest of the time. I like Cyclops sometimes, but I'm definitely not a Cyclops.

I also said I feel sort of like Shadowcat as a "joke," but I also identify with her. I wonder how old the grown-up X-Men are supposed to be now? Am I older than Storm and Colossus?

One dude I do not identify with is Colossus in the Ultimate book - he's gay!!!

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 12:08 PM
To: Sean Boyland

Who the hell did Eben and Yank think they were?

We're all Beasts.

Sean Boyland Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 12:22 PM
To: Alan Yang

Eben thought Iceman, which I can kind of see, although he didn't even know that Iceman is a CPA, so the guys not playing with a full deck. Yank wasn't really sure.

I was thinking, what if, like, we're all just Madrox's dupes? And then one day the original Madrox comes back to absorb us all back up? Will we come back out the same again? Heavy stuff.

Eben and Yank even acted like I was flattering myself to choose Beast since I am not a doctor nor very fit - I pointed out that Beast is long-winded, and that many of the other X-Men I could have chosen from also have talents beyond my own. The naive fools!

Remember, you are also sort of like Jubilee. Or Silver Samurai. Or Ultimate Colossus - ya burnt!

Sean Boyland

Alan Yang Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 12:33 PM
To: Sean Boyland

For some reason Eben strikes me as similar to Iceman but not similar to Bobby Drake, if that makes any sense. Yank ... Beast.

I always liked Multiple Man, even in the stupid government incarnation of X-Factor.

I guess who I'm most like is actually Xorn.

The bad thing about having all your friends be Lampoonos is that everyone is bunch of Beasts and Ravenclaws. For instance, who is our Nightcrawler?

Sean Boyland Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 1:25 PM
To: Alan Yang

Yeah, you can only use Gamez as a valid answer for so many of our social openings before it gets a bit silly. Like Wolverine, he would become pretty overextended with all his commitments.

Sean Boyland

Sean Boyland Thu, Feb 2, 2006 at 1:42 PM
To: Alan Yang

It appears that Emma Frost was 27 a few years ago, which I assume means that she is currently 27. She has, in her time, served as the White Queen of the Hellfire Club, formed and led the Massachusetts Academy, and the Hellions, co-led Generation X, taught in Genosha, and joined the X-Men. She is also a socialite and major slut and a hedonist. She also did a bunch of other shit I forgot about. I am positively boring compared to her!

Sean Boyland

Book Report: Total Bullshit: The Work of Stephenie Meyer 2009-02-19

Whoops, I read this! This is a great way for me to demonstrate that I’m not here trying to impress anybody with this book report project for which I have already lost what small amount of enthusiasm I had.

Anyways, I read this horseshit. It was at work; I wouldn’t have been doing anything important with my time otherwise.

First of all, Jacob is clearly better than Edward. Second,

He parallel-parked against the curb in a space I would have thought much too small for the Volvo, but he slid in effortlessly in one try.

I bring this up not for the vague innuendo you may have chosen to notice, but because it is overall a good example of the content and style of Twilight and whatever the second one is called. Let’s now take a gander at an excerpt from the sizable list of acknowledgments to Twilight.

…and my online family, the talented staff and writers at, particularly Kimberly “Shazzer,” and Collin “Mantenna” for the encouragement, advice, and inspiration.

Very good. Moving along to book two.

I’d used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I’d planned to go with anyone again.

Wow, this is going pleasantly quickly. Book three!

My indifferent attitude to fashion was a constant thorn in her side. If I’d allow it, she’d love to dress me every day — perhaps several times a day — like some oversized three-dimensional paper doll.

I must be honest. Meyer has a number of stylistic tics that may trouble the reader. Whatever editing may have been done to the typescripts of these books seems to have been applied with a delicate touch if at all. This passage is not the worst to be found in these books. For whatever reason, though, it bothers the hell out of me. A three-dimensional paper doll is just a doll. Furthermore, it’s entirely valid and maybe even trite to “blah blah blah dress someone like a doll.”

I felt the blood slither from my face.

Great, let’s move on to book four. I’ll note here that book four makes little sense. I don’t believe the pregnancy is the Latter Day Saints propaganda that some observers make it out to be. Indeed, I find that there is much to be troubled by in addition to the pregnancy. Aside from numerous problems in the plot,

Was he oblivious to the fact that an electric current was pulsing through my body like adrenaline spiked blood?

I hope to develop a new family of descriptions based on this sentence. It has proven very difficult. So far, the best I have come up with is, “The jazz music of the orange juice roared into my mouth like a drink made out of fruit.”

The last two-hundred pages of whatever the fourth book is (Twilight Four I assume?) are a series of non-events operating in blissful ignorance of the conventions of narratives, pot-boiler or otherwise. It’s a technically impressive feat how willfully things don’t happen throughout the final third of T4.

For readers too busy to read T4, here is a short summary of its events:
- She names the baby “Renesmee.”
- The werewolf is going to have sex with the baby.

I have many more and better opinions on this topic, but I’m going to stay coy with those. Who knows, perhaps if you are lucky one day I’ll delight you with them. I mainly wrote this to pass a small amount of time and in the hopes that I would be so ashamed of having committed my misdeeds to the public record that I might do something useful.

If you would like to learn more about vampires, some films have been made on the topic. They are:
The Hunger
Vampire Hunter D
Vampyros Lesbos
The Lost Boys
Night Watch
seasons two through five
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
with the Philip Glass / Kronos Quartet stuff
Blade II

There’s also Let the Right One In but I haven’t seen that yet because I’m kind of dumb so I’m not sure whether it’s about vampires. In conclusion I’m pretty disgusted with myself for reading these books and a number of other reasons. I ate some granola with chocolate milk today but that’s not one of the reasons. Dark City is not about vampires.


Life imitated art on a recent elevator ride in which I discovered that Adrian Grenier is a quiet, withholding fellow who travels in the company of an immediately abrasive young man with an absurd button down shirt and a loud, regionally accented, and frequently exercised voice. Mr. Grenier was, at the time, consumed with some affair on his Sidekick.

a blog post from 7/15/05

From biggest to littlest:

The quarter
The nickel

Email, April 14, 2011

Séan wrote:
Here are some flags I drew on the computer:

Irish and Italian flags available on request.


these flags are amazing. what program did you use?


Thank you. I did that American flag in a program called Nodebox, and later rewrote it in Processing because I was having so much fun. The Indian flag was done in Processing, as were the Norwegian and British flags, below. The Norwegian flag also comes with its lesser know war flag. If you inspect the British flag closely enough, you will notice that I failed horribly, and found some rounding errors that I have not overcome to my satisfaction. Further confessions: I undertook the Indian flag because I thought recreating the geometry of the wheel would be a satisfying challenge. As I was measuring the SVG vector graphics image of the wheel from Wikipedia, I decided that another satisfying challenge, and a less time-consuming one, would be to insert the premade SVG rather than an original creation. At that point, the entire endeavor is thrown into question. After all, if I want to see a flag, why not just look at one? If you want to look at something, look at the Mexican coat of arms, because it is awesome.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Rock, Paper, Scissors

And here's the third, re: Rock, Paper, Scissors:

There have been two unrelated RPS posts recently indicating that "rock" is the obvious starting hand in Rock Paper Scissors. Really? I always thought it was scissors.

Scissors suggest the most immediate potential for damage to me. Even though it's easy to conceive of a rock that could do way more damage because of its size.

This may be a trite observation, but paper isn't a very impressive option. I think people understand that a rock could probably win a fight against a paper.

But scissors uses the most distinct number of fingers. It's the thinking man's rock.

Yeah, but what if you don't think a lot. What if your only thought at the outset of the match is, "This motherfucker better not screw me on this. If he does, I'm going to be ready to punch him as soon as possible. With rock."

We can agree that whoever invented the game threw in paper at the last minute, as a joke.

Well, the joke's on rock.


Here's another FFF favorite, regarding a funfriends post about Celebrity Bra Sizes:

My first problem with this list is it seems conspicuously inaccurate.
Selma Hayek and Sarah Michelle Gellar wear the same size bra? I don't
think so.

My second problem with this list is only a third of these women are

My third problem with this list is it made me think, however briefly,
about Steffi Graf's breasts.

You need to remember that celebrity women might be radically different
heights without you ever realizing - remember how much smaller Salma
Hayek looked than Penelope Cruz at the Oscars. Also, you have to
remember that some of these women are being sold very differently - for
example, people try to keep Laura San Giacomo's fullness under wraps.
On the other hand, you're right, this list is a bit bonkers. For
example, Jewel Kilcher is only 5'6" - not tiny, but still sized such
that having "D" sized breasts would probably be pretty conspicuous

On a third hand, Laura San Giacomo is only 5'2".

Height shouldn't matter since cup size is relative to band size rather
than absolute. Even if Sarah Michelle Gellar were tall enough that her
breasts were the same size as Salma Hayek's, the smallness of her
magumbos relative to her ribcage would give her a lower cup size.
Likewise, being 5'6" should have no bearing on the conspicuousness of
Jewel's D-sized Tate-bombs.

I encourage you to join me in researching this subject further through
a few more hours of google image searches.


I'm saying that Sarah Michelle Gellar's breasts appear to be smaller
than Salma Hayek's because they are smaller relative to her body,
although they have the same absolute size. Also, cup size is an
absolute measure. A specific cup size indicates a specific amount by
which the circumference of the entire trunk including breasts exceeds
the circumference of the trunk around the ribcage below the bust.

Supply And Demand

There are a few things from FunFriendsForever I really love. Here's the first one; it's in regards to a funfriends post about "How To Hide An Erection".

The article doesn't address a crucial point - "Why?"

It's just a boner, people. Sometimes I get a boner from sitting still for too long. When I was in high school, I got a boner every single junior year chemistry class - and no, you wags, it was not for Mr. Halas! No, boners are things. Wonderful and sometimes useful things, but they're just things. They're a commodity where supply greatly outstrips demand every single morning in every single time zone. So here's a fun party trick - get a boner... then just have it. Just have a boner!

I'm not sure whether this plan will have "good" results.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Response to a web site featuring jokes about Super Mario characters

Q: How can I look at this web site?
A: With a Web Bowser!!!

Q: What is a good Web Bowser?
A: Mozilla Fire-Flower-Fox!!!

An E-Mail About a Game


WANTED: Stout-hearted adventurers to investigate recent hobgoblin activity three miles outside of town. Fantastic opportunity to enter the high-growth industry of villain-slaying. Interest in local history a plus; intense hatred of hobgoblins a must.

Salary: Whatever you can find and carry home.

Health Benefits: None; 10% discount on funerals in the event your body can be found.

Are you a bad enough dude to investigate (kill) these hobgoblins? Please send letter of inquiry.


As you have probably detected, I am trying to make good on 2008's resolution to play way more pen and paper Dungeons & Dragons. Are people interested in doing this? Does a couple hours on Saturday afternoon sound appealing?

Please pass word along to any of our other friends who are nerdy, awesome, and nerdily awesome enough to participate. Please don't stress too hard about why you were selected as being obviously nerdy enough to want to do this.

For those who don't know, Dungeons & Dragons is the fun and funny way to have some yuks, roll some dice, and shout things in a wizard voice.

I am happy to host this groovy event. I am also amenable to anyone with a larger living room who wants to save themselves some travel time hosting.

If you are interested in this, we can start discussing the crucial first step of character creation as soon as you like. Are you a crafty wizard, who studied many years in the elven forests? Are you a mighty half-orc barbarian, only just civilized enough to survive in a human town? Perhaps you are a charming human bard, with a big floppy hat and an old-timey guitar! These are just three of the over EIGHT HUNDRED options available to you.

Crap, I can't believe how much loose puss we're going to get if we play a game of Dungeons & Dragons.


This conversation took place over the course of 50 minutes.



10:22 AM me: why hello

10:23 AM Sean: You should go to bed; it's pretty late.

10:25 AM me: i live hard, die hard

10:26 AM Sean: I always said that about you.

10:27 AM I always said, "Zach would walk right up to me and tell me that he lives hard, and then he would call me "Die Hard," which was a nickname he came up with based on an action movie that had come out in the 1980s starring Bruce Willis, wherein he played a cop who had... well, listen, it was based on action movie, and you should see it so I can do my funny, 'Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have some laughs,' bit."

I said that so much.

10:35 AM me: yeah

people love that

10:37 AM Sean: Anyway, it's the same how you always tell me, "Live hard, Die Hard," (meaning "Live hard, Boyland,") how I keep saying, "Don't let these trifling jerks rob you of your serenity, The Matrix," (meaning you, by "The Matrix," for a number of reasons too great to be enumerated presently.)

10:38 AM We really need to develop a simpler system of nomenclature.

At least to exclude the parentheticals.

10:39 AM We both already know who "Die Hard" and "The Matrix" are, and even if we didn't, it would be obvious by context.

Like, when we look at each other and give each other advice, it's already obvious that we're talking to each other, with or without the lengthy explications of our nicknames, which we already know anyway.

10:50 AM me: I don't know

I like the nicknames

and I like saying them

Sean: Me too, I wonder about the lengthy explanations.

10:52 AM It's just, The Matrix, I feel like we would have more time to say the nicknames if we didn't have to keep explaining them. (Meaning you, by "The Matrix," for a number of reasons too great to be enumerated presently.)

You know what I mean, The Matrix? (Meaning you, by "The Matrix," for a number of reasons too great to be enumerated presently.)

10:53 AM me: what if we just shortened the explanations, "Die Hard," which was a nickname he came up with based on an action movie that had come out in the 1980s starring Bruce Willis, wherein he played a cop who had... well, listen, it was based on action movie, and you should see it so I can do my funny, 'Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have some laughs,' bit."

Sean: Honestly, they're not even very good explanations.

10:54 AM me: what if we just switched nicknames

would that help/


Sean: I think I see what you're saying, but what if we just called each other "Die Hard" and "The Matrx"?


Well, sort of it would help.

me: okay

Sean: I think if in the process of switching, if we stopped explaining them...

me: no

Sean: ...Die Hard...

Oh yeah...!!!

10:55 AM Oh, yeah, Die Hard, we did it!

me: The Matrix!!!

Sean: Yes?

me: You're The Matrix!

I feel good about all this

Sean: I'm glad to hear that...

Die Hard.

10:56 AM me: I gotta go do some crap, The Matrix

Sean: Have fun, Die Harb. I mean Die Hard.

Man, this is hard...

me: I know

Sean: Die hard.

Ha ha ha!

Okay, have fun doing things.

me: huh..ho ho haaa hahaa!

thanks The Matrix

10:57 AM bye

Sean: BYE Hard.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Bye Hard!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

This really does make much more sense for four reasons that don't need enumerating presently.

10:58 AM Okay, well, one of them is my greater resemblance to Carrie Anne Moss.

Anyways, you're probably doing other things at this point.