Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Erotic Grape Fan Fiction (Tuesday, September 16, 2008)

Vedra Rubbinstuf stretched out - entirely nude - on her pink davenport.

"Ho hum," she said. "Another dull day! Whatever shall I do with the time... and me so horny, as well..." She did not realize that she had inadvertently made a popular reference to the film Full Metal Jacket. She was merely unable to refrain from observing that she was, indeed, very horny that afternoon.

She looked around the room. Her television sat on its orange crate in the corner. "Oh, piss on television! Who could want to watch that stuff on such a boring day!" Several books and magazines were stacked by the easy chair. "Pfff!" she said. "Books! As though I wanted a book! As though I were an asshole!" She reached for a grape from the plate on the table, and as she placed it whole in her mouth, a thought struck her.

The smooth, cool, and slightly wet grape rolled around on her tongue, and she found that her dire horniness only grew worse. She pressed it back out through her lips - her full, luscious lips - and held it between her thumb and her finger, studying it. Below, her horniness raged like a hot, wet thunderstorm.

As a child, she had made a game of placing as many as grapes in her mouth at once as she could. (Twenty-seven, in fact, on an occasion when she was in practice and had found some generally small grapes.) An overwhelming compulsion struck her to repeat this childhood diversion, but without using her mouth at all.

"I'm going to stick all these grapes into my pussy," she said.

As the first grape passed up into her eager and attractive pussy, she gasped with thrill. This was what she had been waiting for, not just on this dull afternoon, but her entire life. She could hardly imagine that her pussy or grapes existed for any reason other than this union. Why were grapes edible at all? It was an unnecessary distraction, she realized. Vedra inserted three more grapes in sequence.

At this point, she was trembling with pleasure - sexual pleasure - and could barely hold the plate of grapes steady. As the fifth grape slid home, Vedra realized that her delights had come with a dilemma. Thus far, all the grapes were still whole and intact, which seemed to her to be in the spirit of the game. But it was inevitable that the crowding of the grapes and the contraction of her notoriously powerful vaginal muscles would soon crush most or all of the grapes. She tried to decide whether this outcome bothered her, but found she could concentrate on nothing but the placement of the sixth grape, and the electric shivers of pleasure coursing through her body as the cool, sleek surfaces of the grapes ground over each other within her.

After the eighth and then the ninth grape, Vedra slid from the davenport onto the carpet. She gasped and moaned. Gasped and moaned erotically. The grapes, through some miracle of ideal eroticism, were all still intact. Soon the twelfth grape was pressing against her. Her eyes rolled up. She could see the room around her, but felt as though it were a little unreal, as though she were really somewhere else. She meowed like a cat and didn't even know why. Seventeen grapes.

As she pushed the final grape in with a small popping noise, she found she could no longer lift her arms. All of her limbs were trembling. So many grapes, she thought to herself. Her deep breathing began to catch in hitches. Finally, it had gone as far as it could. She moaned (she was having an orgasm, see?) and felt all of the grapes being suddenly crushed within her.

She lay still on the carpet, her heart hammering in her chest and a pool of grape juice growing around her butt.

"Twenty-eight," she gasped.


Some months later, Vedra sat down to dinner with her friend Evelyn, a lovely and statuesque sapphist dressed in an attractive cream-colored evening dress. "It's so wonderful to see you again, Vedra," said Evelyn, who occasionally said very boring things in the course of making small talk.

"I'm quite glad to see you, Evelyn," said Vedra. "I have something I've been very eager to show you. But first -" Vedra produced an unlabeled bottle - "may I offer you some wine?"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On Rachael Ray

From his What I Ate Food Questionnaire:

What are the shows you watch the most on Food Network? What are your thoughts on: Rachael Ray, Alton Brown, Nigella Lawson?

I don't watch too much FN, but I like Good Eats and Unwrapped when I see them, and I obvs used to watch a lot of Iron Chef. I had actually never seen Rachael Ray until very recently, when her show was on our office TV. She is awful.

The volume was pretty low and I had my headphones on, so at first, all I could tell was that some moron was wildly swinging her arms around on a kitchen set - a real grade-A chump, someone who should not have been allowed on TV. A sucker. I really couldn't believe that someone would find it necessary to point into a bowl at all, let alone so spastically, and so many times in a brief span of time. Do you, Ms. Ray, think that I do not know where the cookie dough goes when you tell me to put it into the bowl? At this point, I still did not realize that this was Rachael Ray, since I had understood her to have dark hair, whereas this woman had a vaguely passable dye job. I started listening at this point to see if it reduced the disorienting effect of her palpable physicial discomfort before the camera. I found her articulation to be choppy and forced, and generally bad. I cannot speak to her qualifications as a cook of entry-level food, but as a television personality, she is absolutely artless. A notch above, say, a Google-Current VJ or the people who do Internet video reviews on Gamespot, but that's still pretty awful. Who let her on television? She's just insulting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

BOYLAND: I've been reading a bunch of comic books lately, and I took a look through some classic Green Lantern & Green Arrow adventures. In 1970, they did this little run, where Green Arrow opened Green Lantern's eyes up to the fact that there's a lot of evil right here on Earth - social evils. And they present this as being Green Lantern coming to terms with some morally ambiguous situations where things aren't as cut and dried as he'd like, and having to make some difficult decisions about who the real bad guys are.

me: that certainly sounds like it would mess with the whole premise of comic books.

Boyland: So the second issue, the bad guy they tackle is the owner of a mine in Montana who keeps rigid control of the mining town, and runs his own court system. He decides to execute a folk singer, because the folk singer had been getting the miners to think about a better life. The owner also has a bunch of thugs to do his dirty work, who are all former Nazis, that the bad guy had rescued from war crimes jail or something, and they keep calling him "führer."

My feeling is this: is that really a morally ambiguous situation?

me: yeah what's it supposed to be? is the folksinger a jerk or something?

Boyland: Well, yes, but not to the perspective of Green Arrow and Green Lantern.

me: so, what do they decide to do?

Boyland: They take out the evil mine owner.
Also, the evil mine owner lives in a fort outside of the mining town surrounded by machine gun nests and landmines.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Some favorite tweets

Read through a bunch of these today and laughed many times, I highly recommend a review of this body of work. Better when each is accompanied by the avatar.

Google image results for Romanian tennis star Simona Halep focus on her career prior to her breast reduction surgery.

#NewYorkMarbleCemetery open today. One child in Spider-Man costume. One accordionist.

I'm enjoying this Boston Kreme Donut less now that I noticed its resemblance to a poop and ejaculate donut. Oh well.

My researches have led me to create the file '' so that I can crunch the numbers better. Saturday night!

Jesus Christ, I just had to explain to the comic shop clerks who Jim Woodring is. We ain't in Cambridge, Toto.

Something in the air this weekend tells me I'm going to spend $100 on Beverly Cleary ebooks.

There are rumors that Pedro Martínez used Normal Sizedness Normalizing Drugs.

Guess whether the hospital in Newark is nice.

Does anyone in Brooklyn want a pile of saline syringes and other unused medical supplies? Dig through everyone's trash until you find mine.

I want to tell my landlord I'm moving, but I'm going to wait until he's not literally roaring drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

Skitching off of rickshaws signifies that the Karate Kid is finding a place for himself in China.

Did anybody lose a ham? One just fisted me while I was watching the beginning of the Karate Kid remake.

Among those Wikipedia lists as having been influenced by H. Jon Benjamin is Billy Ray Cyrus.

While reading through my Yipit offers, I got a solicitation from Señorita Margarita's Maracas. Guess, reader, what kind of food they serve.

Indeed, IV nurse. As you say, many films are set in Boston.

Once, there was made something called Pizza Crunchabungas.

If the next Alvin and the Chipmunks film comes out on Halloween and features classic Universal monsters, someone stole my dream last night.

Do people give a shit about the show Moonlighting? It seems more or less the same as anything else.

Calm down, Wikipedia plot summary of The Rocketeer, and be shorter - like, two paragraphs long.

Van Cliburn appeared as himself in "Silence My Companion, Death My Destination," an episode of the cartoon Iron Man.

Had a dream last night (a nightmare?) that something went wrong and webhad to use Hotline Connect for file sharing.

I like when I have to recover a password from some crap web site like LinkedIn I haven't visited in years and the password is "butthole."

Dear Wes Anderson, only the genera name is capitalized, not the species name, you rotten stupid fucker.

Flock of sparrows in the back yard. I like to imagine a map from Nunavut to Argentina with a star on my house.

Things I've recently seen on the History Channel: a documentary about Zeus, two documentaries about Star Wars, instructions on sword use.

The Skip Gates thing. #boringthings

I had forgotten that the last episode of Webster, "Webtrek," was about Webster traveling to the future and meeting Worf. That's weird.

Every year that goes by without adult-sized underoos of 80s kid culture characters is another eight jillion dollars some moron isn't making.

Classic child-scarer The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985) was released in the UK as Comet Quest. Are the English dumb?

@widdikombe Change your name to K-19_the_Widdimaker.

Me: [hands over tubes of urine and blood] Nurse: Thank you!

Elroy Jetson's teacher is named Miss Brainknocker.


I heard through the rumor mill that you rewatched Ghostbusters II. I understand that it can be a difficult experience. I haven't undertaken it myself in a while. I always disliked that Winston was not appropriately included in the celebration of the victory over the Scolari brothers. As a child I worried that it was racially motivated. I've since come to understand that Winston was meant to be a humorously out-of-place addition to the Ghostbusters family in the original film, but it still sits poorly with me. I was just reflecting earlier today that Janosz was probably not a very good character to have in the film. (Long story, I heard someone pronounce the god Janus's name weirdly.) Anyways, stay strong!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sandwich Makers Of Soho,

You are using too much red pepper. Take it down a notch. Some of your sandwiches would probably be well-served by having only two or three very tiny slivers of red pepper. The reason to add the red pepper in the first place is to add a stimulating flavor to the existing sandwich. You are currently using an overwhelming amount of red pepper - its taste overwhelms the other flavors, such as turkey, or cheese, or honey mustard. Your red peppers are dominating the flavors of dozens and dozens of other worthy tastes in your sandwiches. Whom are you trying to please with this? How do you want your guests and patrons to respond to these sandwiches? "This sandwich had red pepper"? Or, "This sandwich was very good"? If you want to briefly satisfy the oafs who view red pepper as some sort of low rent status symbol, then by all means, continue manufacturing your little mouth bombs. But if you want to make a good quality sandwich, take what you have learned about the red pepper, and apply it in moderation to your future endeavors. The discerning customer who prefers a spicy red pepper sandwich will be perfectly happy to order one - if offered a choice including a pepper heavy sandwich option tailored to their tastes, they will seek this out. Meanwhile, your other customers, like myself, will be pleased with the more delicate touches your other sandwiches possess. Subtlety is a virtue, sandwich makers, and an economical one. Thank you.

You also have a much rarer problem of a similar nature with vinegar, but once you wrap your head around the peppers, I think you will find the vinegar will start rationing itself. And you're welcome.

posted by Jack, 12/07/2005 01:33:00 PM

Monday, November 7, 2011

What I Ate: 2006 April 27

Iced coffee, milk, sugar

Everything bagel, cream cheese

Cuban panini, pork, ham, mustard, swiss, pickles
16oz Orangina
Large vanilla chai
Grimmway baby carrots
Kraft creamy ranch

10th Ave Pizza - Slice of pepperoni

2004 Chimney Creek sauvignon blanc
Heineken - (What the fuck, Fredericks & Freiser? I demand that you get original Zak Smiths back in stock now!)
2004 Stone Cellars chardonnay
Sauvignon Blanc - (Terrible, terrible sauvignon blance)
Three pretty large glasses of Las Brisas and the work of José Clemente Orozco - (We spent about half an hour discussing his "Cloud" with a slightly crazed artist who may or may not have been recovering from a habit freebasing. I was struck with his ability to mimic the texture of brick.)

Well, that seems like a perfect time to stop drinking! Anyways,

Righteous Urban Barbeque
Pulled pork sandwich
Some fries and cole slaw

What a lovely opportunity to stop drinking!

Blue & Gold
Two Blue & Gold lagers
Red Bull
Three Blue & Gold lagers

And now, home, to stop drinking.

Two 2001 E. Guigol Côtes du Rhône
Blogger Jack said...

Smoked 26 Natural American Spirits Lights

6:48 AM

Sunday, November 6, 2011


2:07 PM Sean: I have thought of some more characters for you.
2:08 PM Foodzilla.
Gay Tony.
The Asian.
Uberpants - (he is German.)

Saturday, November 5, 2011


Sean: Oh man, great news.

Did a successful run through Blackfathom Deeps today.

It was a strong group. Draenei warrior pulling and tanking, Draenei shaman, Night Elf Hunter, and Human mage for DPS, and yours truly healing.

me: what's dps?

Sean: Damage per second.

me: right, of course

Sean: Those are the dudes putting the bulk of hurt on the monsters.

Got a sweet wand out of it.

Might try to hit Gnomeregan soon.

See, the city of Gnomeregan got invaded by a large group of troggs. The corrupt Mekgineer persuaded High Tinker Gelbin Mekkatorque to flood the city with radiation to kill the troggs.

Of course, the plan backfired dismally - the gnomes were driven out by the radiation, those that weren't able to escape became twisted to the will of Mekgineer Sicco Thermaplugg, and the troggs ended up taking control of the whole place.

Sad story.

A note from Sean

Sean: You should sue the "Coward Robert Ford" people, because whenever I see the name, I think it's about you, but then I think they're calling you a "Coward" instead of "Conrad" which is pretty rude.

Also, they're spelling "Klein" completely wrong.


Sean: Word!

me: sup sup

Sean: Are you at your new place?

I had sex with two girls last night.

[FunFriendsForever] Bored @ Lamont, the world and Internet in general

Young people do not capitalize and punctuate enough! I guess this is a

difficult thing to bring up, since some of us do not always capitalize

or punctuate, which is fine,* but I do always enjoy seeing a young

person who likes to use the English language rather than a clumsy,

ephemeral, and disposable pidgin cobbled together by Blade Runner fans

in an argument over Halo, which is exactly what you're doing whenever

you fail to capitalize sufficiently.

These are the people who say the words "back slash" when trying to tell

you about forward slashes.

Anyways, I think young people should be made to use English properly at

least part of the time, and I don't think that they should regard

punctuation and capital letters as being things that you are forced to

use in the course of doing business but that have no place at home,

much as one might happily take a necktie off after a rough day at the

office. I think young people are mostly full of shit, and the

decreasing willingness to speak English is a sign of this.

Counterpoint: I only use capital letters and punctuation because of an

emotional problem akin to OCD rather than an intellectual problem akin

to liking science. True. Although, secondary to my emotional problems

(which, if you think I'm goofin' on you, I get really disturbed when I

punctuate poorly and start to panic, and if, say, you were to unplug my

keyboard right after an embarrassing typo, I would start to cry and

freak out like a mentally retarded person), I do also view issues of

usage and grammar as being worthy topics of intellectual pursuit.

Have you reached this point in my message? I have hilariously tricked

you by complaining about minor issues of style and usage while at the

same time writing a shapeless and ultimately pointless piece of what

could be termed "prose" whose ostensible didactic or rhetorical point

is so unfounded as to be impossible to undermine, in the same way that

you cannot cut water. It is an amorphous mass of nonsense. Still, look

at all those capital letters and periods! That's pretty shit! That's

mighty pretty shit!

A Message On My Birthday

Sean: Happy Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s birthday!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Irish good-bye (May 6, 2008)

----- Original message -----
From: "Sean Boyland"
To: "David A Parker"
Date: Tue, 6 May 2008 13:49:17 -0400
Subject: Irish good-bye

This is a pretty good trick to master, but it does require nerves of sturdiest Irish steel. I rarely execute a full-on Irish good-bye, but I do enjoy, when I feel that time has come to make my exit, to sometimes just stand and say, "So long folks," to nobody in particular and walk out.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Follow-up to a night out (8/6/06, 6:45am)

A very boring walk home with Eben consisted of a very not-stopping lecture about how he's a good dude. We punctuated this with an after hours visit to Blue & Gold where Ellie was not willing to dirty any more glasses for our sake. Did I produce envelopes from my bag and convince her to fill them with beer that we then drank? Yes.

Eben's stout-hearted refusal to go to bed until I ate his Slim Jim brand "Beef Steak" (I would not) happily allowed us (me) to meet our neighbors Andrew and Andrew who are huge nerds and &c. I currently intend to go forward with a plan to wake a hungover Eben with a very heartfelt and very inaccurate and very painful rendition of the national anthem played on my saxophone, an instrument for which I have no aptitude, nor reasonable practice over the course of the past several years.

Quick question

[I got exactly the answer I was hoping for, and shockingly quickly.]

I don't know whom else to turn to:
Why is Scrooge McDuck's butler named Duckworth, even though he is an
anthropomorphic dog?

It's a good question, and I don't have a conclusive answer. Duckworth was introduced in Duck Tales, I believe - he didn't appear in the Carl Barks comics. In the world of the Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck adventures, there's an unusual distribution of animals - almost all of the main characters are ducks or other sea birds (geese, the occasional pelican, etc). But the large majority of people are dogs. There's also a minority of pigs. The dogs may be to help distinguish the principal characters from the mass of extras, although some major figures are dogs - the Beagle Boys, Scrooge's one time mentor Theodore Roosevelt, Duckworth, etc. The pigs, when they do show up, tend to be villains, although I don't know that that's universally true. Some of us were trying to work through whether there's some weird ethnic agenda behind this, but if there is, it's certainly not clear - ducks and other birds appear as villains, poor people, the uneducated, etc, as often as not. Ducks, dogs, and pigs never object to treating each other as peers where it would be appropriate.

The Duck adventures are ostensibly set in the same world as Mickey Mouse's adventures. Duckburg is taken to be in the fictional Pacific coast state of Calisota; I believe Mickey Mouse's hometown is, as well. But a Mickey Mouse mystery can involve cows, horses, and pretty much any other sort of animal, whereas the Duck stories stick very closely to the dog/duck/pig mix. When Scrooge and the boys go to Greece to get the Golden Fleece, they encounter harpies where the human half is an anthropomorphic dog. In Duck Tales, there are a couple instances of Scrooge mentioning "human beings" to refer to all of the anthropomorphics, which is kind of weird.

As to Duckworth's name, I guess they were drawing on the same butlering tradition that gave us Wadsworth in the film Clue, and it reminds us to think of how much that duck (Uncle Scrooge) is worth. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that there are some real world people named Duckworth as well. I guess in developing his character, the cognitive dissonance of a dog named Duckworth was overwhelmed by the aptitude of the existing name Duckworth for any butler of Scrooge's.

It's hard to imagine Duckworth as anything but a dog. One thing about the dogs in the duck stories is that I've seen Aboriginal dogs who had dark skin, whereas most of the dogs have caucasian colored skin. Which is weird, since real dogs are covered with hair and aren't the color of white people. With the pigs, it's less of an issue, since pigs basically do have the same skin as white people. I wonder if Duckworth's first name was ever given...