Sunday, December 25, 2011

The True Story of The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyala, a Musical Christmas Play for Children (Monday, December 01, 2003)

When I was a youth in St. Peter's School, we had a number of memorable Christmas pageants. For example, when I was in seventh grade, we performed a charming musical entitled The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyola which was based on the book of a similar name and implied authorship.

For this pageant in the winter of 1991, we were fortunate to have the composer on hand to direct and choreograph. His partner who had written the libretto was hospitalized with a case of motorcycle accident at the time, which sometimes caused our director stress. They were both in their mid twenties, and had written the play shortly before. It's hard to say whether the play was intended for children initially, but I'd say it came off well. Some minor alterations were made to the text; for example, in the song "Oh, What A Night," which is the story of the birth of Jesus, as related by a young boy who worked at the inn in Bethlehem where said Jesus was born. Specifically, a verse detailing his thoughts on witnessing the Virgin Mary's water breaking as she entered labor was excised.

To be frank, there were a lot of fairly "blood and thunder" tunes and themes throughout the play - after all, we were Catholics, and Catholicism is not a "fucking-around" kind of religion. I don't wish to offend any Protestant readers, but your religions are kind of half-assed and you guys nancy around when you could be really hardcore and screwed-up. Anyway, like I said, we were Catholics, so the play was completely terrifying.

One song that stands out as an example of "raw terror" on the wacky Catholic model is the great "Souls In Hell." To quote its lyrics briefly, "Down a fearsome, flaming chasm / Walls of roasting ectoplasm / Pain and torment racked me as a / Mighty blast impelled each spasm. ... A group of spirits in their misery / Wishing they could change their history / Taunting those who would soon join them / Reeling others in their mystery. ... [refrain] Souls in hell, I hear them crying / Out to me, in my bed lying / Please dear God, don't leave me frying / At the hour of my dying." Although this may not immediately seem like the most festive of holiday songs, we still had a lot of fun bellowing out the chorus, and it was generally a very fast, upbeat number. (Note that I use "upbeat" in a strictly musical sense.) The song does give you a good idea of the kind of thoughts that spun through Saint Ignatius' head, and the part about not being able to sleep because of the constant wailing of damned souls will be familiar to any Catholic.

I explained that this play was performed by children aged 5 to 13, right?

Anyway, the plot of the play, as I recall it, ran about thusly: a young woman, troubled in her life, goes to a retreat, where the spiritual exercises mentioned in the title and developed by Loyola are practiced. It opens with a tune including the groovy lyrics "Prayerful participation / Builds a strong spiritual nation / Meditation, medication / Physic for our restoration" and many others in a similar vein. The choreography accompanying this involved a lot of vigorous calisthenics, to provide a physical symbol of the kind of work that goes into exercising the soul. The song also explains the importance of bending yourself to God's will as soon as possible.

So, anyway, the girl arrives, and is given an overview of the camp. Then, to her surprise, she finds that her boyfriend has followed her to the retreat. She's sort of like, "Wow, man. I kind of wanted to get away from you for a little while, but this is also very sweet of you. But a question that we must resolve by the end of this narrative is whether you can come to understand my commitment to my God." And he's all like, "Whoa, these spiritual exercises are intriguing but really, really weird."

Then there are a few musical numbers explaining some of the themes explored by Loyola in his book, including the aforementioned "Souls In Hell" and "Oh What A Night." We also hear from some of the counselors about what brought them to serve in God's laic ministry at the camp. One of their songs opens "My eyes see the reds sing the blues all the time ... [a bunch of stuff I can't remember because I was not a huge pothead when I was eleven years old and the song did not totally make sense to me even though I liked it] ... but nothing sticks in my head ... [more lacunae in my memory - boy, I'm just like the guy in the song vis-a-vis things not sticking in my head] ... If feeling so, so good is a crime / Then arrest me till I am dead." Like I said, a lot of groovy stuff in this play.

Another song details the Fall, that is to say, Adam and Eve's unfortunate missteps in the Garden of Eden in regards to fruit. More progress is made in the young couple's relationship, although I forget what exactly happened at the end. It was good news, no matter what; they had both gotten stronger souls. The big closing number dealt with the Assumption, the Virgin Mary's ascension into Heaven, where she currently works administrating the saints. That's a very slow ballad, concerning the overwhelming love she feels for humanity as she surveys them from above. The song implies that Mary's Assumption involved her literally traveling vertically up from the surface of the Earth. That may sound odd to you - like, you might ask, "Don't most modern Christians, with the exception of some stray Fundamentalists, take ideas like Heaven's location being somewhere several dozens of miles above Earth as being symbolic?" The answer is no. Over the course of my Catholic grade school education, I had the luxury of being taught by a good many nuns, who were all quite old and insane, and they taught us a lot of important truths, like "Heaven is up there," "Let the Communion host dissolve on your tongue; if you bite it, Jesus will start bleeding in your mouth," and "You need to use 'Magenta' every time you color because it's my favorite color."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A True Story

Q: Hello, Jack. I hope you're well. Anyway, could you please tell me the NOT AT ALL COMICAL-SOUNDING names of the co-chairs of the "Friends of the High Line"'s fourth annual summer benefit?

A: Sure, they're Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel, Diane von Furstenberg, and Edward Norton.

Q: [titter, titter, guffaw] Oh, really, how normal. Wait, who are the Steering Committee Co-Chairs?

A: That would be Alexandre von Furstenberg and Bronson van Wyck.

Gina Gershon Erotic Fan Fiction

I think there are more in this series?

Erotic Celebrity Gina Gershon had taken the day off of work to visit the Suction Machine Factory. "This particular suction machine is one of our latest models," explained the professor. "It offers unparalleled suction for energy consumption, and operates as softly as a purring kitten."

"Wow, how remarkable! Its styling reminds me of a vintage Honda Metropolitan."

"Yes, we don't do things by halves here at the Suction Machine Factory. Would you care to see it in operation?"

"Oh, yes!"

"Take any common household item and apply to the suction apparatus... Oh..." said the professor, seeing Gershon twist out of her panties. "Yes, your womanly parts will do fine."

Gina Gershon sat herself upon the machine, and immediately felt it go to work upon her. And go to work upon her it did, providing exactly the kind of uniform, steady suction about the entirety of her vulva that women crave. "Oh, gosh!" she said.

The professor checked the gauges, and noted with pleasure that the machine was operating quite smoothly. "Yes, although this model is intended for industrial applications, we've found that this sort of exaptation happens pretty regularly."

"My, oh, my! I've turned your suction machine into a fuck-tion machine!" said Gina Gershon, who was a bit too distracted by the workings of the device about her erotic ingress to converse very effectively.

"You may feel free to female ejaculate as much as you would like... the machine is well proofed against it."

"Is there a chance that the suction will cause my vagina to invert itself?"

"The chance of that happening is well under five percent, and it only very exceptionally happens to women who are not, by nature, prone to vaginal inversion. Although we do have another machine that will cause that quite reliably, if you are interested. Once the vagina is inverted, it is a relatively simple matter to give it the facility to reach a firmness with which to achieve penetration."

"Oh, not today, but remind me to grab your business card before I leave!"

And he did, and she did.


Kerry and Edwards fucked each other vigorously in the butts.


Gina Gershon was enjoying a chiken putanesca salad at a local restaurant entitled Hardwick's, the name of which she had, regrettably, misread. Nonetheless, her salad was quite good. Her labia were still swollen from the morning's exercises, and blood-red. Although they were depending considerably farther than usual, and very thick, they were still nowhere near so swollen as her old boarding school chum Ming Na's would get after an hour or so of the Warmed Glass Method. She chuckled at the memory of that enormous inner tube protruding from Ming Na's pelvis. "Oh, those were salad days," she said.

Quite suddenly, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas eroticed her. "All right!" said Gina Gershon.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Erotic Grape Fan Fiction (Tuesday, September 16, 2008)

Vedra Rubbinstuf stretched out - entirely nude - on her pink davenport.

"Ho hum," she said. "Another dull day! Whatever shall I do with the time... and me so horny, as well..." She did not realize that she had inadvertently made a popular reference to the film Full Metal Jacket. She was merely unable to refrain from observing that she was, indeed, very horny that afternoon.

She looked around the room. Her television sat on its orange crate in the corner. "Oh, piss on television! Who could want to watch that stuff on such a boring day!" Several books and magazines were stacked by the easy chair. "Pfff!" she said. "Books! As though I wanted a book! As though I were an asshole!" She reached for a grape from the plate on the table, and as she placed it whole in her mouth, a thought struck her.

The smooth, cool, and slightly wet grape rolled around on her tongue, and she found that her dire horniness only grew worse. She pressed it back out through her lips - her full, luscious lips - and held it between her thumb and her finger, studying it. Below, her horniness raged like a hot, wet thunderstorm.

As a child, she had made a game of placing as many as grapes in her mouth at once as she could. (Twenty-seven, in fact, on an occasion when she was in practice and had found some generally small grapes.) An overwhelming compulsion struck her to repeat this childhood diversion, but without using her mouth at all.

"I'm going to stick all these grapes into my pussy," she said.

As the first grape passed up into her eager and attractive pussy, she gasped with thrill. This was what she had been waiting for, not just on this dull afternoon, but her entire life. She could hardly imagine that her pussy or grapes existed for any reason other than this union. Why were grapes edible at all? It was an unnecessary distraction, she realized. Vedra inserted three more grapes in sequence.

At this point, she was trembling with pleasure - sexual pleasure - and could barely hold the plate of grapes steady. As the fifth grape slid home, Vedra realized that her delights had come with a dilemma. Thus far, all the grapes were still whole and intact, which seemed to her to be in the spirit of the game. But it was inevitable that the crowding of the grapes and the contraction of her notoriously powerful vaginal muscles would soon crush most or all of the grapes. She tried to decide whether this outcome bothered her, but found she could concentrate on nothing but the placement of the sixth grape, and the electric shivers of pleasure coursing through her body as the cool, sleek surfaces of the grapes ground over each other within her.

After the eighth and then the ninth grape, Vedra slid from the davenport onto the carpet. She gasped and moaned. Gasped and moaned erotically. The grapes, through some miracle of ideal eroticism, were all still intact. Soon the twelfth grape was pressing against her. Her eyes rolled up. She could see the room around her, but felt as though it were a little unreal, as though she were really somewhere else. She meowed like a cat and didn't even know why. Seventeen grapes.

As she pushed the final grape in with a small popping noise, she found she could no longer lift her arms. All of her limbs were trembling. So many grapes, she thought to herself. Her deep breathing began to catch in hitches. Finally, it had gone as far as it could. She moaned (she was having an orgasm, see?) and felt all of the grapes being suddenly crushed within her.

She lay still on the carpet, her heart hammering in her chest and a pool of grape juice growing around her butt.

"Twenty-eight," she gasped.


Some months later, Vedra sat down to dinner with her friend Evelyn, a lovely and statuesque sapphist dressed in an attractive cream-colored evening dress. "It's so wonderful to see you again, Vedra," said Evelyn, who occasionally said very boring things in the course of making small talk.

"I'm quite glad to see you, Evelyn," said Vedra. "I have something I've been very eager to show you. But first -" Vedra produced an unlabeled bottle - "may I offer you some wine?"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On Rachael Ray

From his What I Ate Food Questionnaire:

What are the shows you watch the most on Food Network? What are your thoughts on: Rachael Ray, Alton Brown, Nigella Lawson?

I don't watch too much FN, but I like Good Eats and Unwrapped when I see them, and I obvs used to watch a lot of Iron Chef. I had actually never seen Rachael Ray until very recently, when her show was on our office TV. She is awful.

The volume was pretty low and I had my headphones on, so at first, all I could tell was that some moron was wildly swinging her arms around on a kitchen set - a real grade-A chump, someone who should not have been allowed on TV. A sucker. I really couldn't believe that someone would find it necessary to point into a bowl at all, let alone so spastically, and so many times in a brief span of time. Do you, Ms. Ray, think that I do not know where the cookie dough goes when you tell me to put it into the bowl? At this point, I still did not realize that this was Rachael Ray, since I had understood her to have dark hair, whereas this woman had a vaguely passable dye job. I started listening at this point to see if it reduced the disorienting effect of her palpable physicial discomfort before the camera. I found her articulation to be choppy and forced, and generally bad. I cannot speak to her qualifications as a cook of entry-level food, but as a television personality, she is absolutely artless. A notch above, say, a Google-Current VJ or the people who do Internet video reviews on Gamespot, but that's still pretty awful. Who let her on television? She's just insulting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

BOYLAND: I've been reading a bunch of comic books lately, and I took a look through some classic Green Lantern & Green Arrow adventures. In 1970, they did this little run, where Green Arrow opened Green Lantern's eyes up to the fact that there's a lot of evil right here on Earth - social evils. And they present this as being Green Lantern coming to terms with some morally ambiguous situations where things aren't as cut and dried as he'd like, and having to make some difficult decisions about who the real bad guys are.

me: that certainly sounds like it would mess with the whole premise of comic books.

Boyland: So the second issue, the bad guy they tackle is the owner of a mine in Montana who keeps rigid control of the mining town, and runs his own court system. He decides to execute a folk singer, because the folk singer had been getting the miners to think about a better life. The owner also has a bunch of thugs to do his dirty work, who are all former Nazis, that the bad guy had rescued from war crimes jail or something, and they keep calling him "führer."

My feeling is this: is that really a morally ambiguous situation?

me: yeah what's it supposed to be? is the folksinger a jerk or something?

Boyland: Well, yes, but not to the perspective of Green Arrow and Green Lantern.

me: so, what do they decide to do?

Boyland: They take out the evil mine owner.
Also, the evil mine owner lives in a fort outside of the mining town surrounded by machine gun nests and landmines.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Some favorite tweets

Read through a bunch of these today and laughed many times, I highly recommend a review of this body of work. Better when each is accompanied by the avatar.

Google image results for Romanian tennis star Simona Halep focus on her career prior to her breast reduction surgery.

#NewYorkMarbleCemetery open today. One child in Spider-Man costume. One accordionist.

I'm enjoying this Boston Kreme Donut less now that I noticed its resemblance to a poop and ejaculate donut. Oh well.

My researches have led me to create the file '' so that I can crunch the numbers better. Saturday night!

Jesus Christ, I just had to explain to the comic shop clerks who Jim Woodring is. We ain't in Cambridge, Toto.

Something in the air this weekend tells me I'm going to spend $100 on Beverly Cleary ebooks.

There are rumors that Pedro Martínez used Normal Sizedness Normalizing Drugs.

Guess whether the hospital in Newark is nice.

Does anyone in Brooklyn want a pile of saline syringes and other unused medical supplies? Dig through everyone's trash until you find mine.

I want to tell my landlord I'm moving, but I'm going to wait until he's not literally roaring drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

Skitching off of rickshaws signifies that the Karate Kid is finding a place for himself in China.

Did anybody lose a ham? One just fisted me while I was watching the beginning of the Karate Kid remake.

Among those Wikipedia lists as having been influenced by H. Jon Benjamin is Billy Ray Cyrus.

While reading through my Yipit offers, I got a solicitation from Señorita Margarita's Maracas. Guess, reader, what kind of food they serve.

Indeed, IV nurse. As you say, many films are set in Boston.

Once, there was made something called Pizza Crunchabungas.

If the next Alvin and the Chipmunks film comes out on Halloween and features classic Universal monsters, someone stole my dream last night.

Do people give a shit about the show Moonlighting? It seems more or less the same as anything else.

Calm down, Wikipedia plot summary of The Rocketeer, and be shorter - like, two paragraphs long.

Van Cliburn appeared as himself in "Silence My Companion, Death My Destination," an episode of the cartoon Iron Man.

Had a dream last night (a nightmare?) that something went wrong and webhad to use Hotline Connect for file sharing.

I like when I have to recover a password from some crap web site like LinkedIn I haven't visited in years and the password is "butthole."

Dear Wes Anderson, only the genera name is capitalized, not the species name, you rotten stupid fucker.

Flock of sparrows in the back yard. I like to imagine a map from Nunavut to Argentina with a star on my house.

Things I've recently seen on the History Channel: a documentary about Zeus, two documentaries about Star Wars, instructions on sword use.

The Skip Gates thing. #boringthings

I had forgotten that the last episode of Webster, "Webtrek," was about Webster traveling to the future and meeting Worf. That's weird.

Every year that goes by without adult-sized underoos of 80s kid culture characters is another eight jillion dollars some moron isn't making.

Classic child-scarer The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985) was released in the UK as Comet Quest. Are the English dumb?

@widdikombe Change your name to K-19_the_Widdimaker.

Me: [hands over tubes of urine and blood] Nurse: Thank you!

Elroy Jetson's teacher is named Miss Brainknocker.


I heard through the rumor mill that you rewatched Ghostbusters II. I understand that it can be a difficult experience. I haven't undertaken it myself in a while. I always disliked that Winston was not appropriately included in the celebration of the victory over the Scolari brothers. As a child I worried that it was racially motivated. I've since come to understand that Winston was meant to be a humorously out-of-place addition to the Ghostbusters family in the original film, but it still sits poorly with me. I was just reflecting earlier today that Janosz was probably not a very good character to have in the film. (Long story, I heard someone pronounce the god Janus's name weirdly.) Anyways, stay strong!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sandwich Makers Of Soho,

You are using too much red pepper. Take it down a notch. Some of your sandwiches would probably be well-served by having only two or three very tiny slivers of red pepper. The reason to add the red pepper in the first place is to add a stimulating flavor to the existing sandwich. You are currently using an overwhelming amount of red pepper - its taste overwhelms the other flavors, such as turkey, or cheese, or honey mustard. Your red peppers are dominating the flavors of dozens and dozens of other worthy tastes in your sandwiches. Whom are you trying to please with this? How do you want your guests and patrons to respond to these sandwiches? "This sandwich had red pepper"? Or, "This sandwich was very good"? If you want to briefly satisfy the oafs who view red pepper as some sort of low rent status symbol, then by all means, continue manufacturing your little mouth bombs. But if you want to make a good quality sandwich, take what you have learned about the red pepper, and apply it in moderation to your future endeavors. The discerning customer who prefers a spicy red pepper sandwich will be perfectly happy to order one - if offered a choice including a pepper heavy sandwich option tailored to their tastes, they will seek this out. Meanwhile, your other customers, like myself, will be pleased with the more delicate touches your other sandwiches possess. Subtlety is a virtue, sandwich makers, and an economical one. Thank you.

You also have a much rarer problem of a similar nature with vinegar, but once you wrap your head around the peppers, I think you will find the vinegar will start rationing itself. And you're welcome.

posted by Jack, 12/07/2005 01:33:00 PM

Monday, November 7, 2011

What I Ate: 2006 April 27

Iced coffee, milk, sugar

Everything bagel, cream cheese

Cuban panini, pork, ham, mustard, swiss, pickles
16oz Orangina
Large vanilla chai
Grimmway baby carrots
Kraft creamy ranch

10th Ave Pizza - Slice of pepperoni

2004 Chimney Creek sauvignon blanc
Heineken - (What the fuck, Fredericks & Freiser? I demand that you get original Zak Smiths back in stock now!)
2004 Stone Cellars chardonnay
Sauvignon Blanc - (Terrible, terrible sauvignon blance)
Three pretty large glasses of Las Brisas and the work of José Clemente Orozco - (We spent about half an hour discussing his "Cloud" with a slightly crazed artist who may or may not have been recovering from a habit freebasing. I was struck with his ability to mimic the texture of brick.)

Well, that seems like a perfect time to stop drinking! Anyways,

Righteous Urban Barbeque
Pulled pork sandwich
Some fries and cole slaw

What a lovely opportunity to stop drinking!

Blue & Gold
Two Blue & Gold lagers
Red Bull
Three Blue & Gold lagers

And now, home, to stop drinking.

Two 2001 E. Guigol Côtes du Rhône
Blogger Jack said...

Smoked 26 Natural American Spirits Lights

6:48 AM

Sunday, November 6, 2011


2:07 PM Sean: I have thought of some more characters for you.
2:08 PM Foodzilla.
Gay Tony.
The Asian.
Uberpants - (he is German.)

Saturday, November 5, 2011


Sean: Oh man, great news.

Did a successful run through Blackfathom Deeps today.

It was a strong group. Draenei warrior pulling and tanking, Draenei shaman, Night Elf Hunter, and Human mage for DPS, and yours truly healing.

me: what's dps?

Sean: Damage per second.

me: right, of course

Sean: Those are the dudes putting the bulk of hurt on the monsters.

Got a sweet wand out of it.

Might try to hit Gnomeregan soon.

See, the city of Gnomeregan got invaded by a large group of troggs. The corrupt Mekgineer persuaded High Tinker Gelbin Mekkatorque to flood the city with radiation to kill the troggs.

Of course, the plan backfired dismally - the gnomes were driven out by the radiation, those that weren't able to escape became twisted to the will of Mekgineer Sicco Thermaplugg, and the troggs ended up taking control of the whole place.

Sad story.

A note from Sean

Sean: You should sue the "Coward Robert Ford" people, because whenever I see the name, I think it's about you, but then I think they're calling you a "Coward" instead of "Conrad" which is pretty rude.

Also, they're spelling "Klein" completely wrong.


Sean: Word!

me: sup sup

Sean: Are you at your new place?

I had sex with two girls last night.

[FunFriendsForever] Bored @ Lamont, the world and Internet in general

Young people do not capitalize and punctuate enough! I guess this is a

difficult thing to bring up, since some of us do not always capitalize

or punctuate, which is fine,* but I do always enjoy seeing a young

person who likes to use the English language rather than a clumsy,

ephemeral, and disposable pidgin cobbled together by Blade Runner fans

in an argument over Halo, which is exactly what you're doing whenever

you fail to capitalize sufficiently.

These are the people who say the words "back slash" when trying to tell

you about forward slashes.

Anyways, I think young people should be made to use English properly at

least part of the time, and I don't think that they should regard

punctuation and capital letters as being things that you are forced to

use in the course of doing business but that have no place at home,

much as one might happily take a necktie off after a rough day at the

office. I think young people are mostly full of shit, and the

decreasing willingness to speak English is a sign of this.

Counterpoint: I only use capital letters and punctuation because of an

emotional problem akin to OCD rather than an intellectual problem akin

to liking science. True. Although, secondary to my emotional problems

(which, if you think I'm goofin' on you, I get really disturbed when I

punctuate poorly and start to panic, and if, say, you were to unplug my

keyboard right after an embarrassing typo, I would start to cry and

freak out like a mentally retarded person), I do also view issues of

usage and grammar as being worthy topics of intellectual pursuit.

Have you reached this point in my message? I have hilariously tricked

you by complaining about minor issues of style and usage while at the

same time writing a shapeless and ultimately pointless piece of what

could be termed "prose" whose ostensible didactic or rhetorical point

is so unfounded as to be impossible to undermine, in the same way that

you cannot cut water. It is an amorphous mass of nonsense. Still, look

at all those capital letters and periods! That's pretty shit! That's

mighty pretty shit!

A Message On My Birthday

Sean: Happy Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s birthday!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Irish good-bye (May 6, 2008)

----- Original message -----
From: "Sean Boyland"
To: "David A Parker"
Date: Tue, 6 May 2008 13:49:17 -0400
Subject: Irish good-bye

This is a pretty good trick to master, but it does require nerves of sturdiest Irish steel. I rarely execute a full-on Irish good-bye, but I do enjoy, when I feel that time has come to make my exit, to sometimes just stand and say, "So long folks," to nobody in particular and walk out.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Follow-up to a night out (8/6/06, 6:45am)

A very boring walk home with Eben consisted of a very not-stopping lecture about how he's a good dude. We punctuated this with an after hours visit to Blue & Gold where Ellie was not willing to dirty any more glasses for our sake. Did I produce envelopes from my bag and convince her to fill them with beer that we then drank? Yes.

Eben's stout-hearted refusal to go to bed until I ate his Slim Jim brand "Beef Steak" (I would not) happily allowed us (me) to meet our neighbors Andrew and Andrew who are huge nerds and &c. I currently intend to go forward with a plan to wake a hungover Eben with a very heartfelt and very inaccurate and very painful rendition of the national anthem played on my saxophone, an instrument for which I have no aptitude, nor reasonable practice over the course of the past several years.

Quick question

[I got exactly the answer I was hoping for, and shockingly quickly.]

I don't know whom else to turn to:
Why is Scrooge McDuck's butler named Duckworth, even though he is an
anthropomorphic dog?

It's a good question, and I don't have a conclusive answer. Duckworth was introduced in Duck Tales, I believe - he didn't appear in the Carl Barks comics. In the world of the Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck adventures, there's an unusual distribution of animals - almost all of the main characters are ducks or other sea birds (geese, the occasional pelican, etc). But the large majority of people are dogs. There's also a minority of pigs. The dogs may be to help distinguish the principal characters from the mass of extras, although some major figures are dogs - the Beagle Boys, Scrooge's one time mentor Theodore Roosevelt, Duckworth, etc. The pigs, when they do show up, tend to be villains, although I don't know that that's universally true. Some of us were trying to work through whether there's some weird ethnic agenda behind this, but if there is, it's certainly not clear - ducks and other birds appear as villains, poor people, the uneducated, etc, as often as not. Ducks, dogs, and pigs never object to treating each other as peers where it would be appropriate.

The Duck adventures are ostensibly set in the same world as Mickey Mouse's adventures. Duckburg is taken to be in the fictional Pacific coast state of Calisota; I believe Mickey Mouse's hometown is, as well. But a Mickey Mouse mystery can involve cows, horses, and pretty much any other sort of animal, whereas the Duck stories stick very closely to the dog/duck/pig mix. When Scrooge and the boys go to Greece to get the Golden Fleece, they encounter harpies where the human half is an anthropomorphic dog. In Duck Tales, there are a couple instances of Scrooge mentioning "human beings" to refer to all of the anthropomorphics, which is kind of weird.

As to Duckworth's name, I guess they were drawing on the same butlering tradition that gave us Wadsworth in the film Clue, and it reminds us to think of how much that duck (Uncle Scrooge) is worth. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that there are some real world people named Duckworth as well. I guess in developing his character, the cognitive dissonance of a dog named Duckworth was overwhelmed by the aptitude of the existing name Duckworth for any butler of Scrooge's.

It's hard to imagine Duckworth as anything but a dog. One thing about the dogs in the duck stories is that I've seen Aboriginal dogs who had dark skin, whereas most of the dogs have caucasian colored skin. Which is weird, since real dogs are covered with hair and aren't the color of white people. With the pigs, it's less of an issue, since pigs basically do have the same skin as white people. I wonder if Duckworth's first name was ever given...

Monday, October 31, 2011

6.29.06 Food Reporter Comment

I always enjoyed this description of my grandmother:

Jack said...

Mattpod's grandmother pulled up next to me at a stoplight, and started whistling and hooting to get my attention. I realized that she wanted to drag race (she was in a heavily modded Supra) and revved my engine (I was in my utility Civic that I use for chores, but that is basically street illegal) to signify that, yeah, Grampod, I'll race you. So the light turns green, and I take off, and I'm two blocks away before I realize that she took off from the light in reverse and is already five blocks behind the starting line. I bank myself up off some newspaper machines to do a quick 180 and take off after her - going forward while she's in reverse - just so I can give her a quick thumbs up to concede victory. It takes me over two miles to catch up with her, and we wind up down along East Broadway before I finally catch her. She's just laughing and nodding at me and she's got her old lady buddy in the car with just laughing her head off. So I buy them both lunch at Canton Carl's (this totally illegal Chinese food place that's only for real hard-asses) and while we're eating she tells me to either get bigger wheels or balls, and then she and her buddy crack up, and she buys us a round of Tsingtaos. Classic Mattpod's grandmother all the way.

9:17 PM

6.29.06 Email

Hey Matt, I found this great picture for you!

Here's a picture Sean Boyland has suggested for you as your Gmail picture. If you choose to use it, other Gmail users will see this picture whenever they email or chat with you.

To use this picture, click here.

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Saturday, October 29, 2011


Friday, June 16, 2006

"Zoot Suit Riot" parody about Harvey's concept for what would be the ultimate cheeseburger
Sphere cheesburger! (Burger!)
Most beautiful thing in the world!
Sphere cheeseburger! (Burger!)
Recommended for a boy or girl.

Not safe for work "Zoot Suit Riot" parody about a risqué concept I had for a humorous and dirty get-rich-quick scheme
Spunking money! (Money!)
Dollars dimes and twenty five cents!
Spunking money! (Money!)
I'm a-spunkin' out dead presidents!

This presumes the ability to produce money in a sexual and unconventional fashion, which I think would ultimately prove unpleasant for anyone into whom was spunked.

Mario Kart DS related "Zoot Suit Riot" parody lyrics

Waluigi! (Igi!)
Drivin' 'round in a backhoe!
Waluigi! (Igi!)
Wind him up and watch him go!

Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
Throwing shells all over the race!
Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
She's gonna come in first place!

"ZSR" Pizza

Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
I am getting hungry!
Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
Give some pizza to me!

Frankly, a somewhat unimaginative and crude "ZSR" parody. Not my best work.

Zoot suit butthole!
Doot doot bottle of beer!
Zoot suit butthole!
Zweeba zweeba dun dun beer!

Peanut butter "ZSR"

Peanut butter! (Butter!)
Crunchy creamy and in between!
Peanut butter! (Butter!)
I think you know what I mean!


Bloglines Plumber!
Please fix Bloglines real soon!
Bloglines Plumber!
Zip zop bop to the moon!

Kappa Mikey!
You're a show on TV!
Kappa Mikey!
Zeep bop zeeba dee pow!


Writing words down!
Yeah Dry Bones is a pimp!
Writing words down!
Uncle Carl's a shimp!


Wentworth Miller!
Accused of being campus racist!
Wentworth Willer!
Although he was racially mixed.

posted by Jack, 8:19 PM

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Susan, Walter, and Jeremy.
Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Vinicius and Dubbin and Zols.

Note: Even though that's a pretty heavy load of birthdays for a single week, I'm pretty sure that there are other people that I've forgotten whose birthdays are also this week. Also, Dubbin's ex-girlfriend, but she sucks, so fuck her.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling,

How did Ron get good grades? He's so stupid.


Thursday, June 22, 2006

You're in the Zoot Suit Riot!

Pullin goalies!
That is how you win the World Cup!
Pullin goalies!
Umm baby I just can't get enough!

The ceiling fan!
Spinning spinning spinning and spins!
The ceiling fan!
Spinning things is how this thing wins!

Cocaine cartel!
You are a butterface!
Cocaine cartel!
Relatively directionless song.

Get more popcorn!
That's-a what I'm going to eat!
Get more popcorn!
It's the taste that just cannot be beat.

Sucking d-bones!
Putting penis into my mouth.
Sucking d-bones!
East West North and then in the South.

Follow-Up E-mail, subject: "Parody Album"

"Piven Just Enough for the City."

You can pay the million dollars in cash or in pussy.

Another E-mail, subject: "Song Parody"

Start writing some huge-ass checks around town, man. I've made us rich again. Everyone likes "Better Man" by Pearl Jam, right? Well check THIS out:

Can't find a bigger butt.

E-mail from Sean

I hope you're having a good holiday season. I guess you're probably watching Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel right now. I probably shouldn't say too much more because of "spoilers." Let me know when you feel that you've seen AatC:TS enough times for a discussion group and we can talk about the stuff that happens at the end that's pretty mind-blowing.


Sean: I guess I might say that when it comes to the sexuality of two-digit numbers, 69 is number 1

me: 33

Sean: 33 is very sexual.

me: oh my


Sean: 34 is less sexual than 33

me: part of the 4 goes right into the 3

a 5 looks like a ball and penis


a 6 does moreso

Sean: A 9 shares many qualities with 6.

me: very interesting

Sean: ۩


That's what it looks like when a man gets a boner with a man on his left who has a flex-boner.

me: 32

that is a snake biting a boob

Sean: Or a butt.

See, when I see a 3, I'm thinking about butts right away.

me: fair enough

Sean: I hardly ever think of boobs in a sexual way or otherwise.

me: I can't see that

Sean: What are you supposed to do with them?

me: I usually use them to hold together the bread on a sandwich

while you put the ingredients in

Sean: So together but slightly apart?

With enough room for ingredients to go in, but producing enough pressure to keep the ingredients in place once they're inserted?

You're right, that is the approximate pressure vector of boobs and an ideal way to make sandwiches.

me: I know what I'm talking about

Sean: What number is that?

I guess it's the number 3=

me: yup

Sean: If you ever meet someone whose address is 269, say in a loud voice, "Do you like 269?"

me: how loud are we talking

Sean: Ironically, a 33.

On the 50 point loudness scale.

me: which is the standard scale

Sean: My new gag is saying things that are really obvious, like "On the 50 point loudness scale."

me: yeah

that is pretty hilarious

Sean: Or like, I just made a burrito in the toaster oven...

...And wrapped it in a napkin to keep my hands clean, making a sort of second burrito wrapper.

It's like, duh.

me: why didn't you just use a napkin to make the burrito in the first place?

Sean: Because I don't work at the frozen burrito factory.

To my great shame.

Tomorrow is a very exciting week for film history.

me: go on

Sean: The 31st (Tuesday?) is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Matrix.

And April 3rd (Friday maybe?) is when Fast and Furious is coming out, so in the future people will refer to it as the day when the greatest film ever made was released.

me: these are exciting times

Sean: I can still remember the plot of The Matrix.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme Song

Sean: I can't believe that Larry screwed up this deal!

Sean: I like this funny song that they play.

me: Someone should write words to it

Sean: Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, di-di-di-doo, doo-doo, di-doo.

I just did.

me: Not bad.

My lyrics would be:

duh-duh-duh-duh, di-doo-di-doo, di-doo-di-doo

Sean: Hold it buddy! Curb that Enthusiasm!

Here comes Larry, with a brand new situation!

On Viewing the Trailer for Big Momma's House 3

me: the lunchroom scene looks the best

Sean: Of many good scenes, that does look especially promising.

me: I also am looking forward to the figure drawing class

'whoops, there it is"

Sean: It's gotten me curious about where they're headed in BMH4.

me: Big Momma finds out she has a twin sister?

the dog needs to dress up like a big momma dog?

Sean: * Record scratch *

Say what?

me: big momma's doghouse

oh, HELL no

Sean: Announcer: This summer, YOU'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE!

Audience: What?

Announcer: Big Momma's Doghouse!

Audience: Oh, I see.

me: Announcer: Sheesh. Not the brightest bulbs.

Audience: What was that?

Announcer: I said... Cheeeeese, not the lightest mulb...

Audience: what is a mulb?

Announcer: Look over there!

Audience: What, where, what is it?

Announcer: Big Momma's Doghouse! It's... Alive!

Sean: Audience: Yes, granted, but I asked you a question. What is a mulb?

Announcer: It's a mulberry if you're cool, which you aren't.

Audience: I didn't pay to be treated like this.

Announcer: Did you sneak in after watching Machete?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Important epiphany regarding Jerry Orbach biopic

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 2:56 PM

In the role of Jerry Orbach: Sam Waterston, natch.
Upon review of classic Seinfeld "The Library": to play the role of Sam Waterston: Philip Baker Hall.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 4:47 PM

You mean you've never been fishing? Mr. Adventure?

Come on... my idea of an adventure is riding a cab without my seatbelt on.

You should try it... you might like it.

Am I to take it that you're a fisherman?

As a matter of fact, I'm going to a little spot I know in Freeport this weekend. You interested?

Hmm... I'm not going to have to wear a hat with feathers in it, am I?

Not unless that's what you usually do with your weekends.

All right, it's a date.

Sam smirks.

But you're paying for dinner if you want me to put out.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 7:20 PM


Jerry folds his tie neatly. TEMPLETON, a PA, folds his jacket.

Hey, that's a nice watch, Jerry!

Well, thank you very much, Templeton. It was actually a birthday gift from Epatha.

Oh... really. She must have wanted you to have some "bling." Well, nice bling, Jerry.

You have something you'd like to say, Templeton?

Well, you know Epatha... and her... they're a bit dumb, huh?

(closes on Templeton)
All right, you listen to me - if you want to know something about Epatha, or Jesse, or me, or anyone else, then why don't you get to know us, huh? I've got no time for your kind of garbage, get it?

Hey, I didn't know you...

No, you didn't know, you bum! You didn't know a thing!

Take it easy, Mr. Orbach!

I won't take a damn thing easy from you, pal! I don't like you, I don't like your talk, and like I said, I don't like you!

Jerry pokes Templeton in the chest.


Can't take a hint, can you? Well here's a big one for you - get the hell out of my trailer!

Templeton stumbles out. Jerry shakes his head, pissed off, and looks in the mirror. He fingers his watch. He chuckles.

You're damned right it's a nice watch, you punk.

from Sean Boyland
date Sat, Dec 10, 2005 at 7:21 PM

Brainstorm: Wayne Knight and Mandel as a pair of psychic twins.

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 1:54 AM

Jerry, please. We all know this is a big 'sode. But you don't have to drink, just for the 'sode!

Whaddayou know? Whaddayou know about Lenny?

Jerry, I know a lot about Lenny. I know Lenny is Rey's friend. I know Lenny is my friend. Period.

Look, Rey... I mean... Ben... oh, shit...

Jerry, I need you to stop for a second. I need you to...

Oh, Ben, can't you see it's all bullshit? This whole damn... it's all bullshit, is what it is!

It's not bullishit, and you know it!

Jill and Steven step forward.

He's right, Jerry. It's not bullshit.

It's not, Jerry. It's not bullshit.

No, it's all bullshit! All of it! Can't you see Lenny?

Jerry - we don't care about Lenny, we care about Jerry.

That's exactly it, Jerry - we all love Lenny, but we love Jerry more.

Jerry sits down in front of his mirror and gives it a good hard look.

Jerry, Claire's about to die - you know that. Claire's going to die tonight. Will I still be there, Jerry? After Claire dies?

Of... of course, Jill! You're still here! You're always still here!

That's right! And where's Jerry after this awful episode is through?

I'm.. I'm here! I'm here, Jill! Steven... Ben ! Ben! You know I'm here.

That's right, Jerry. I know you're here. But how about you give us that bottle of scotch, just so as we know you're still here.

Oh... oh, what have I done?

Jerry surrenders his bottle of delicious scotch.

I don't think I... I never...

Jerry starts to cry.

I wish Sam were here! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wish Sam were here so much!

Hey, Jerry. Where do you think Sam is right now? Do you think he's not crying his damn eyes out in his trailer, right now, for you?

Jerry cries profusely.



Sam head down on his desk, crying his damn eyes out.

Oh, please, God, please, just let Jerry be okay! Please!

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 1:56 AM

Ben and Jerry hug profusely. No humorous reference is possible, given their hugging, so big is it.

from Sean Boyland
date Sun, Dec 11, 2005 at 2:10 AM


On a "take five," Jesse approaches Jerry.

Well, Mr. Orbach, I just have to say... it's... boy, it's just a real pleasure to be working with you, that's it. I'm sorry if...

You're not sorry for a damn thing, kid! It's a real pleasure to be working with you.

Oh, wow. I don't know what to say. I mean, I know that you and Ben were...

(points to his heart)
You see this, kid? That's where Ben is - forever! But you know something? I spoke to my heart, after Ben left - I asked it, is there room for one more? You know what it said, Jesse?

... What did it say?

(points to a different part of his heart)
It said there's room for one more, right here. You wanna know something? You're there, right now.

Jesse tries to smile and starts to cry. Jerry starts to cry. They look each other in the eye. Jesse opens his arms. That's what Jerry was waiting for. They hug, hard, like men do. Jesse cries right into Jerry's trenchcoat.

I love you, Jerry!

I love you, too, kid, but you gotta buy me dinner if you want me to put out.

They both laugh.